Back to Index.

Hey, you can't make a global omelette without temporarily breaking every egg in the world.

But is it more painful than a duck?

Oh, this is gonna be fun... I'm gonna take a shit, and put it on speaker.

I'm so cynical these days I assume nothing is true unless the words come out their mouth, then I assume they are lying.

It's the "jumping the shark" period of the presidency. But the shark is the one from Jaws, and shit is getting real.

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." - Peter Ustinov

You're not a hole-bag, you're a weed bag pretending to be a hole-bag!

You granola-eating kale-faces!

Yeah, it's a great strategy when the game's about to end, to get all the things that are worth no points.

The jacket is taking advantage of me.

Can you please try and break Prod right now?

With great power comes great getting smacked in the face.

Basically what I was doing was manual machine learning... I was the machine, and I was learning.

I'm gonna be honest, if I had to choose between boba and turtles... I'm sorry, bye bye turtles.

Anything is a fireplace if you try hard enough.

That's cheating! I might as well study for tests!

Smoke-test means I go smoke, and you go test, right?

If the pope and the anti-pope touch, do they, like, annihilate each other?

The Starks have correctly predicted nine of the last five winters.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy a lot of unhappiness repellent.

Will it be safe to drive under the influence of lavender?

I just killed two people by pretending I was dead, woo!

To a usability person the English translation of "Business Rule X0000-005 - The XML data has failed schema validation." is "We don't know how to appropriately communicate with the general public."

"Who appreciates that piece of paper?" (Hands raised) "I killed some trees for you."

"From now on, 2% of my pay is going to go to my 'This is Bullshit' fund that pays for all things related to Bullshit"

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, (and also wears a swastika armband and says terrible things about jewish people) then it might just be a nazi duck.

As you can see, it's sunny with a chance of requirements gathering...

Note to self: Never anthropomorphize gadgets. They hate it when you do that.

You said slash fic and I started paying attention.

I'm not gonna touch a butterfly until after the Cuban missile crisis.

QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

Just remember "Alcohol intensifies the effect of this medication" is intended as a warning, not a serving suggestion.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Starve the bastard to death and you don't have to give him a fish.

I once took an Assembler II class and the prof asked why we chose the elective. I went for the funny answer: "because I wanted an easy A." Thought I had the best answer but we had a Honeywell plant in town and the next guy said "I write microcode all day and I wanted to learn a high-level language."

Regardless of your feelings about illegal drugs, Silk Road is more than just a "pharmacy". It is a market for all sorts of illegal activity, from feds pretending to be human trafficking to feds pretending to be guns for hire.

You're being brainwashed by rightwing mimosas.

This question appears to be off-topic because it is about 'i need urgent help plz'

It wasn't supposed to be on fire, but I just got excited.

My software told me "your username/password is invalid". So I entered "invalid" for both. Still didn't work.

"Failing to check a citation and perpetuating a spurious quotation is little different from lying".
-- Socrates

Slumbering Ancient God From Beyond The Stars? There's an app for that.

microsoft could sell dog turds covered in feathers, and my employer would buy 2 just in case we needed an extra

I only recently learned about the recency illusion, and suddenly everybody is suffering from it. Uncanny!

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-Andrew Tanenbaum, 1981

Obfuscation is like painting a lock on your door, hoping that it would fool would-be thieves.

English is a little bit like a child. We love and nurture it into being, and once it gains gross motor skills, it starts going exactly where we don't want it to go: it heads right for the goddamned light sockets. We put it in nice clothes and tell it to make friends, and it comes home covered in mud, with its underwear on its head and someone else's socks on its feet. We ask it to clean up or to take out the garbage, and instead it hollers at us that we don't run its life, man. Then it stomps off to its room to listen to The Smiths in the dark.

Who doesn't want to stick it to The Man, even if he's made of straw?

When you go on those exciting rides at Disneyland, your picture will be snapped mid-ride (usually at your most unflattering moment) and you will have the opportunity to buy a print of your picture at a little booth near the ride exit. The pictures will cost a million dollars. OK, I'm exaggerating a bit: a million dollars is for the 8 x 10, it only costs half a million dollars for the 5 x 7.

Guns are the only thing that can hurt Superman. You can shoot him all you want with bullets, but throw the gun at him and he has to duck.

Write documentation as if whoever reads it is a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

If there's anything good about being a honky, it's the culture. The remorseless pillaging of other people's culture, I mean. Resistance is futile. You WILL be ASSIMILATED.

One morning when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found his desktop PC transformed into a horrible verminmobile phone.

I find the "this fan blows" jokes a refreshing change from the constant barrage of "this vacuum sucks" jokes, don't you?

I guess computers in Dallas adopt wild west slang when they type guess and internally monologue to themselves

As a female, you are more than likely in possession of a set of body parts that make the average male sproing for the stars. Because of this, many women tend to assume that the way to a man's heart is through his crotch.
This is wrong. The way to a man's crotch is through his crotch. It won't get you much further.

I will give the game credit for this: The story worked. This should not be praise. This should be the most basic, obvious accomplishment that a game can achieve. This should be like saying of a restaurant, "The food was cooked."

I actually read that well-done 3D can trick your brain into storing movies in the place that it would normally store memories of real events. That said, most 3D movies trick your brain into spending money on them, sitting through them then storing the memories in the same place you lock away 4th grade wedgies, 5th grade accidental farts during book reports and 10th grade atomic wedgies.

"There are no such things as stupid questions. There are just questions that will get you laughed at."

One time, I found a cell phone in a dorm lounge. I was there watching my show and was planning to leave the phone in place in case the owner came looking for it. The phone began to ring incessantly, and eventually I answered in case the owner was calling to search for the phone.
Before I could say more than, "Hello", the owner started chewing me out as a despicable cell phone thief.
I didn't appreciate this sort of mistreatment. What to do? Well, I am not a thief, so naturally I decided to do the right thing.
I took the phone and dropped it down the nearby elevator shaft, then resumed watching my show.

> At the equator there are 3 simple rules in life:
> 1. Dress light but keep your legs covered
> 2. Be as inactive as possible
> 3. Avoid the sun.
Who would have thought the same rules for living at the equator would apply to working in IT.

□Ò¾¿e orRè□(È□□(, by the famous director Ååno ¶¡ñ|E§s, is one of my all-time favorite late-night films. I also recommend his very moving ØΔn~\mðý πəlčĄ* although it isn't shown as often for some Ç+pāнĦ□й reason.

Every software problem can be solved by adding additional abstraction layer, besides the problem of having too many abstraction layers.

This is how it ended. Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a facepalm.

Someone once said that learning Chinese is "a five-year lesson in humility". I used to think this meant that at the end of five years you will have mastered Chinese and learned humility along the way. However, now having studied Chinese for over six years, I have concluded that actually the phrase means that after five years your Chinese will still be abysmal, but at least you will have thoroughly learned humility.

"Some questions are logically nonsensical because the querent thinks they know more than they do. A lot of these have the form 'How do I use X to accomplish Y?' There's nothing wrong with this, except that sometimes X is a chocolate-covered banana and Y is the integration of European currency systems."

The problem is that they're beating a dead horse to a pulp, and then they're beating it to a fine powder, then they're beating the ground that the powder used to sit on.

SunSolve Bug ID: 4256482
-------------------------
Problem: Banging on keyboard during cde startup causes dtwm hang
Workaround: Don't bang on the keyboard like a wild monkey

If you have a trade war with the only place in the world that makes your pants, even if you bring out the nukes, you now have a choice between no pants or radioactive pants.

Often, the judge and lawyers will phrase their questions in the manner of "Do you possess the intelligence to decide fairly in such-and-such situation, or are you a complete idiot?" And in order to get off the panel, you'll have to boldly answer, "I, sir, am a complete idiot." This is something which is actually not easily done, particularly in front of a roomful of strangers.

Be sure to press 'E', as it will show off some full-screen effects I haven't mentioned or showcased before. (I wanted to have some surprises! Although perhaps seeing the message "This program has performed an illegal operation and needs to close" will sate your desire for surprise.)

It is written: "The seeker of knowledge approached a wise man. 'Tell me, Wise One, how is x010F pronounced?' And the wise man knocked him about the head with the stick of knowledge, but the seeker was not enlightened. 'Tell me, wise one, may one begin a sentence with a conjunction, or is such a thing forbidden by the laws?'. And the wise man knocked him about the head with the stick of knowledge, but the seeker was not enlightened. 'Tell me, your sagacity, is one infinitely greater than zero, or is it one greater than zero?'. And the wise man knocked him about the head with the stick of knowledge, but the seeker was not enlightened.
'Oh, great sage, you beat me with the club of cleverness, but I am no more clever than before, how can this be?' cried the seeker. The wise man replied, 'It's actually just a stick, I keep hoping you'll go away if I hit you often enough, but here you are.'"

I found a supernova remnant this morning. It was my foot.

Jick may be a dirty socialist hippy, but he's also Midas, and can't help it when everything he touches turns into negotiable tender. It's a special kind of hell to not want money yet be incapable of not generating piles and piles of it, and we should hope he is at least warm as his conscience pains him so.

A Johnny Walker Blue is popular because it's so smooth that you hardly notice that it's Scotch. Tap water is also smooth, and you'll hardly notice the Scotch. And it's cheaper!

Bigger is just something you have to live with in Java. Growth is a fact of life. Java is like a variant of the game of Tetris in which none of the pieces can fill gaps created by the other pieces, so all you can do is pile them up endlessly.

Comments like "UGLY TERRIBLE HACK" tend to indicate good code rather than bad: in bad code ugly terrible hacks are considered par for the course.

The frontline person should have realised that they have only established that *one key* on the keyboard wasn't working. In that situation, I'd have asked which key it was right away, because it's just as likely that the user is pressing a mouse button, or a system specific volume control, or, for that matter, a light switch.

I love this recipe! The only difference when I make it is that I substitute butter for the margarine, I use chicken instead of beef, I bake it instead of deep-frying it, I add 10 cups of sugar, I skip all the vegetables, and I pour it on my ferns instead of eating it. Thanks for the great recipe!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

I think this is the first time I've ever seen anybody here say "You know that nice dropdown menu? It's cool and all, but can we get something pageloadier and clickier?"

When your only tool is a hammer template, not only does every problem look like a nail - you also hammer it with 100 hammers.

Make sure you have no other way to achieve your purpose before doing this. In particular, a way involving paying money to the vendor of the code unavailable in source form is frequently a better idea than "clever" hacks like this.

The funny thing is that Cameron waited nearly 12 years until technology caught up with his vision, so Avatar could look the way he saw it in his head. Lucas, on the other hand, made 2 awesome movies (and a third crappy one), then waited 20 years until technology caught up to his vision to digitally ruin them with pointless bullshit.

Still your tongue, cur! How dare you lay waste to so many elegant scarecrows erected on behalf of the assumed outrage of those so disinterested that they have yet to notice.

dear everyone bitching about how I should've put this behind a cut because bawwww I look at LJ at work and almost got in trouble waaaawwwwww
Maybe you shouldn't be looking at livejournal at work

(Note to the ladies: These outfits only work on the kind of men who drink a lot and pick up women. If you manage to marry one, there is a strong chance he will continue to drink a lot and pick up women. If that's not your dream outcome, you might want to take a serious second look at your wardrobe choices.)

If the fundamentalist Christians are right about heaven, it'll be full of fundamentalist Christians. That really throws off the payouts for Pascal's wager.

CDM: There are 10 types of people. Those who think binary jokes are funny, those who don't and 8 types on a scale between the first two.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - Arthur C. Clarke. What he should have said is "Any advanced technology, sufficiently badly documented, is indistinguishable from magic".

Shirley, they taught you in internet school that using analogies is like if instead of a discussion you were playing a game of darts and somebody used a bathtub to score points in a pile of leaves.

Finding neologistical goodness in corporate-speak is, admittedly, like taking candy from fish in a barrel of monkeys.

You know what they say, "When life gives you lemons, complain about it on your blog."

I wonder what the hell the girl who got punched in the face expected when she went into the Punch You In The Face Tunnel. The name wasn't subtle.

I must say that was about as lucid as the text of a software licence agreement and half as amusing.

Support local businesses! Especially ones that are on fire!

If you're running under Windows XP, consider converting the exception into a null pointer dereference in the catch handler: This has the advantage over an ordinary crash that you will get one of those special OS-supplied dialogs, that asks permission to send log details back to Microsoft. Naive users will interpret this as a Windows fault, and will direct their bile Redmondwards.

The troll paradox: I have nothing better to do with my life than to sit around online telling people that they have better things to do with their life than sitting around online telling people what to do.

Political humor always falls a bit flat to me. It seems that the point of it is to present politics as a big farcical circus, which seems to me a little like waving a magic wand over a tophat and miraculously transforming it into a tophat.

The latest installment of Walhtor of The Underbog's "Series of Embarassingly Avoidable Deaths" is available for purchase. Entitled Drowning in Shallow Water, it features Walhtor's bloated, humiliated corpse drifting pathetically under the waves. It joins previous offerings Fell Off Teldrassil While Auto-Running, Accidentally Right-Clicked the Horde Flight Master, and Went AFK in Contested Territory and Was Slowly Beaten to Death by a Level 15.

Don't try this at home. Be smart. Try it at someone else's home.

"Well, one day someone started ripping stuff out of the closet, and all the third arms disappeared."

Jick decided that he should literally crucify meat farmers, so he gathered a bunch of them up, nailed them to large, wooden crosses, and left them there to die.

"I'll take 'gay' over 'vehicle' any day!"

If "the technology existed to prevent illegal copying and distributing on the web" we would be living IN MAGICAL FAIRY PONY FANTASY LAND. Maybe that's also where those BULLSHIT ARTISTIC CREDIBILITY DOLLARS are legal tender!

The magic of technology is spreading. What we couldn't even imagine only a few years ago is now possible. With just a few clicks of a mouse, someone in one corner of the world can make contact with a fellow human being thousands of miles away and offer to sell her cheap Via gra.

This is one of those songs that just brims with holiday good cheer. Especially the part where he calls her an old slut and she calls him a cheap lousy faggot.

It seems to me that the added publicity won't hurt this article -- in fact, nearly any edit to it will have no choice but to improve it. For example, the entire "Logocentrism" section could be replaced by "PENIS PENIS PENIS LOL" and it would greatly improve the overall clarity.

Just what I wanted, a Diet Code Red Mountain Dew sinus rinse and keyboard wash.

"Yeah, the evil people always go to Slytherin! Also known as 'jail', in this case."

"In Soviet China the (censored)!"

"A rabbi I know says that Judaism and atheism are compatible, as long as there's only one God that you don't believe in."

"The last time I played Stratego, I got zerg rushed, lost both my rooks, and had my battleship sunk before I drew my Icy Manipulator."

Q) Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
A) to To other the side. get the

Oh please. Of course the US landed on the moon. How else would the CIA have gotten the man that really shot JFK up there?

The 1040 instruction booklet is like a choose-your-own-adventure.
"If you choose to file your taxes like this, and you have previously done this, go to page xxx. Otherwise, go to page xxx."
I hope none of the pages of the 1040 instruction booklet end with "You are dead."

"What better way is there to make a lasting impression on a girl than to walk up her, say "hello," sniff a rag, and crumple into an unconscious heap on the floor in front of her?"

It's the merriest time of year - that annual celebration of rebirth, renewal, resurrection. Some call it Easter, but we call it...Zombie Day! Jesus might be the most famous fellow to rise from the grave and walk amongst the living, but he certainly wasn't the last. 'Tis the season for getting together with family & friends, gathering around the tv and watching "Night of the Living Dead" again. Or maybe "Dead Alive" or "Shaun of the Dead" for a more "modern" non-traditional celebration.

[23.9] What's the meaning of, Warning: Derived::f(char) hides Base::f(double)?
It means you're going to die.

Sorry, but I'm in a Complexity Theory class and thus my interpretation of "I love you in a n/h way" was "I love you in the way a Turing Machine could love you if it ran with O(n) runtime and was able to use an advice string of size O(h)."
So clearly this is a limited form of love, because clearly Turing Machines with polynomial runtime and polynomial sized advice strings could love a lot more (which as some of you may know is equivalent to the amount of love that a boolean circuit with polynomial number of gates could love you).

"This is not even killing a fly with a shotgun. This is like killing a fly by carpet bombing the whole country with thermonuclear warheads."

Versus (2000): A Japanese cult action film, said to be the only movie that successfully combines yakuza, swords, guns, yakuza with guns and swords, zombies, zombies with guns, zombie yakuza, and zombie yakuza with guns and swords.

For people who care about such things, the book was written in emacs on a box running Mandrake Linux, then I used OpenOffice to format it for printing. The final layout for online publication was created with Microsoft Word and Adobe Acrobat. People who care about such things need to get a life.

"Dementia! Woohoo!"

"FEEDBACK: My name is Inigo Montoya. The contents of your box killed my father. Prepare to die. WOULD NOT BUY AGAIN"

Vista is a Wagner Opera that is usually late to start, takes too long to finish, and is spoilt by floorboards creaking under the weight of the cast. Mac OS X Leopard, meanwhile, is the late show in an exclusive nightclub where the drinks are always too expensive. In contrast, the Linux desktop is the free show in the park across the street -- it imposes some discomforts on the audience, but provides plenty of entertainment.

In my circle of friends making fun of geek-culture is an art form. We watch Buffy, Battlestar, and Lost in groups just to hear each others' quips and comments. Its like homemade DVD commentary. We're silent during Firefly. Some things are still sacred.

"In the real world, it's possible to randomly punch strangers in the stomach. What stops us from doing this? The fact that we're not assholes, that's what."
--Jick

"I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect that he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time."
--Isaac Asimov

"Some people may question whether a man can be so dumb as to do this. All I can say is that this comic is taken from life. Unfortunately, to be more specific, I must reveal that it is my life."

If atheism is a religion, than not collecting stamps is a hobby.

"Which door do we want to go through first?"
"Door number pile of rubbish!"

And that is why I have very little sympathy for those bitching about the people who are bitching about the bitching, even while I see their point a little bit. So mark me down as one who is bitching about the people who are bitching about the people who are bitching about the people who are bitching.

You remember that asshole who lived down the hall in your dorm, the one with the Che Guevara t-shirt who kept talking about freedom and the rights of the people, except for the right of the people to not have to listen to him playing Bob Marley's Legends CD all night long? Fedora is kind of like that.

There's a certain sad irony about a production that so viciously attacks today's consumerist devotion to marketing and global brands while at the same time spending 1 million-plus on pre-opening hype, raising West End ticket prices to an all-time high and flooding the stalls with backpack-clad Coca Cola girls hawking drinks at a 100% mark-up.

Things will change when enough people get angry enough for mass civil disobedience. Writing your senator is probably less effective than bitching on the internet - at least other people will read it on the internet.

If you don't like what people are doing in their bedrooms, perhaps you should stop peering in their bedroom windows, you voyeuristic pervert.

Giving KoL to a WoW-addict is like giving cocaine to a heroine-addict.

In the virtual world of Second Life, users realize that the freedom to specify the dimensions and species of your electronic penis outweigh primitive advantages like "being able to feel anything with it."

"Computer languages differ not so much in what they make possible, but in what they make easy."
--Larry Wall

"Hey! It puts the 'ass' in 'classy', OK?"

My parents let me play Oregon Trail all I wanted -- until I went out into the woods one day and shot 6 squirrels, 2 deer, 3 buffalo, and a rabbit. The worst part was that they only let me drag 100 lbs. of meat back to the wagon. Bastards.

[Easter is] a time to ponder the mystery that when Christ jumps out of his grave, people go "Yay! Holiday!" but when most people do it everyone goes "Zombies! Run! Get the shotguns!" and secretly worry that Easter is secretly the day when all the zombies will rise, because, you know, if *I* were an evil megalomaniac necromancer, *I* would appreciate the joke.

Jesus healed a couple lepers and was called a God for doing so.
Modern medicine healed all of the lepers.
Jesus walked on water. The Wrights walked on air, and Armstrong walked on the moon.

We declared the tasting successful, and were all very proud of ourselves as only very drunk people who feel as though they've accomplished something can (even when what they've accomplished boils down to drinking booze and getting drunk).

Give someone a fish and they'll think you're a bit of weirdo; teach someone how to fish and they'll wonder what fishing has got to do with web design.
[Jeremy Keith]

"I need you to knock me unconscious, and not drop me off the side of a cliff!"

"Can fireballs deal subdual damage?"

"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it."
--Brian Kernighan

"I just need to work on the 'make bad music' feature."

[a screen name]: HA! U can type again!
[a screen name]: *I

"There once was a graduate student
Who was lazy and rather im-pude-ent.
'My verse doesn't scan,
But I do what I can.
And perfect rhyme is just a tool of the establishment.'"

First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.
-- Peter Ellis

"If he complains, say "you're not my real dad, you can't tell me what to do!" And throw an emo hissy-fit about how torrenting is the only connection you have to your real dad."

"Your mom your-mommed an emoticon last night!"

"Quick, Kevin! Become a topless woman!"

"Where by real life, I mean WoW."

"Motherloving hunk of a goose!"

"Fear leads to anger
Anger leads to hate
And hate leads to... KEVIN BACON!
Yes! Got it in 4!"

"In fact, I'm going to go penis something right now!"

"I feel like a horrible person, but don't you have WoW you could be doing?"

"As far as I'm concerned, when you're talking about a calculator, more memory is either a bell or a whistle."

"I really hope for my sake that I'm asleep right now..."

"Potato, are you a sweet tart?"
"Fine, I'm a sweet tart..."

"You don't have any peas in your shoulder!"

"When I say, 'goodbye cruel world', it won't be me who's leaving."

Person 1: "I call the room that nobody else is in!"
Person 2: "I call that room too!"

"Yes! I get the uber, dual-wielding hug!"

"How is gouging your eyes out with a rusty spoon *not* bah-mah-now?!"

I think there are about four zillion of those in existence, so asking for those might be like asking, "Do you have any songs where people play guitars?"

Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
-- Alfred E. Neuman

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

"It's like coming into the lounge, and the entire lounge is compressed into one guy with a big sword!"

Inna: "I've just spent a night with two guys. And a girl."
Nikita: "At the same time!"
Sheel: "A night of unbridled passion, if by passion you mean math."

"I chem joke at you!"

"One thing that I will never do, is stick an ice-skate in my own ass."

"My mother spends about $100 on cigarettes at a time. She should just give me the money and I'll kick her in the face. It's just as detrimental to her health, and at least the money won't go to waste."

My son asked me the other day, he said 'Dad, is five a lot?' and I said to him, 'Well it depends on the units'. You should be thankful you don't have two physicists for parents.

"So what happened to clapping for credit..."
"I don't know! I keep clapping and they keep not giving me credit for it!"

"Math is way more awesome than a toaster."

"Somebody, take a bullet for the team. And by "the team", I mean me."

"If by before, you mean after before..."

"Not wanting to see people's a great way to meet your true love!"

"It's not the one ring of power! I just needed to play my fire card!"

"Hey, are you having a... thing... with some person... thing?"

now, proper OCD really is a disorder and i'm not saying i have that. i have OCD in the sense that a livejournal user has ADD. "omg i don't want to do my homework i have add!!" no dude, homework is boring, and the internet is awesome. of course you don't want to do your homework.

"You're calling a pointer to a pointer to an array of file pointers, when you should be calling a pointer to an array of pointers to file pointers"

I get a lot of people who clearly have not read the FAQ ("So, I'm thinking of doing JET myself...how much does it pay?"). To all of you, I say.....READ THE FAQ. Please. Reading the FAQ has been known to increase penis size in men and breast size in women (or, if you think they're too big, reduce breast size. It can also increase breast size in men, if you happen to want a nice pair to play with on the weekends. Who doesn't?). Reading the FAQ does not make baby Jesus, baby Moses, or any other infantile biblical figure cry. And most importantly, reading the FAQ saves one black man living in Japan just a little bit more of his time/sanity, and gets your question answered almost instantly. Reading the FAQ has even been known to find Waldo, AND Carmen Sandiego.

"I am here something something!"

"I usually have my nose stuck in a book."
"Yeah, well, I usually have my nose stuck in my own mind."

Which leads us to Chip Jones' second rule of Fluid Dynamics. If, when you look in the back of the book, the answer does not match your answer, you obviously forgot the last step of your work, which is to multiply by 0 and add whatever answer is in the back of the book.

In the sixties, the world was normal and people took drugs to make it weird. Nowadays the world is weird and people take drugs to make it normal.
--Steve Vardon

"I would have won, but Mike was in cahoots with some unholy sheep god!"

"I don't care HOW bad it is, a compiler error is NOT a mid-life crisis."

"I shuffled your mom's face briefly!"

"Damn you people, can't you tell dwarves are female? ... When they are?"

"We look for jingle snakes."
"You're gonna be looking for a long time!"

"At least you're honest... about being deceitful..."

"Hold on, I'm gonna look this stuff up on Google. (typing) 'Download...viruses.' (pauses) I'm not getting any actual viruses...ah! Right here, it's got Win32Blaster! (starts download)"
"...um, guys? I don't think that's actually the virus."
"You're right, it's the prevention for it! Well, here, I'll search for, 'Destroy...this computer.'"

"So you may remember that part in Lord of the Rings where Frodo says 'I wish I'd never seen any of these epsilons Gandalf! I wish none of this had ever happened!' And, as you probably know, Gandalf replies 'So do I Frodo, but that is not for you or me to change. It is simply for us to decide what to do with the epsilons given to us.' "

Begin by asking a creationist if he denies his own existence, or the fact that he was produced by the sexual reproduction of his parents. Assuming he says yes (if he says no, creationism is the least of his problems) point out the odds that his parents produced HIM, specifically, are one in 70 trillion (roughly). This is based on the 46 total chromosomes, each a 1 in 2 shot, contributed by his parents. If those odds aren't astronomical enough, go after his grandparents next. (Admittedly the chromosomal probability is a simplification of the entire process...but any further complications would only make an individual LESS likely, so the argument works fairly well.)

your moms face's face is a face!

"Do you mind if it's been rotting in the sewer for several days?"

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it."

"It's the Second Law of Sexual Dynamics- if you think a girl is attracted to you, you are wrong."
"See, gamers like playing games about things they'll never do. You know. Slaying dragons, fighting zombies, and dancing with women."

"There are some really bad states on the east coast."

"I hate stupid people who study... they make me look bad."

Why should I give my Readers bad lines of my own when good ones of other People's are so plenty?
-- Benjamin Franklin

Did you remember when you were a kid and you got bored on weekends, how you would go to a large building, a hotel or a hospital, then wander around for several hours looking for a certain room? While zombies attacked you? Neither do we. That's because, much to the surprise of FPS game makers everywhere, wandering around lost in hallways isn't fun.

In that scene in the Screaming Shack (or whatever it's called), I keep wanting Harry to say "Surely you can't be serious", and get the response a la Drebin "I am Sirius - and don't call me Shirley"

You laugh because I have ADD. I laugh because a bird just hit my window.

For your information, StarWars is made up of a series of 5 really great books by a physicist named Timothy Zahn.

"I've never been so drunk I can't act drunk."

If you can't identify the species, you probably shouldn't have sex with it."

In his history of the Second World War, Winston Churchill records that differences in the interpretation of the verb "to table" caused an argument between British and American planners. The British wanted a matter tabled immediately because it was important, and the Americans insisted it should not be tabled at all because it was important.

I brought in an old machine of mine and took it apart for everyone. However, it almost immediately digressed from "Now, campers, this is a motherboard" to HEY HEY HEY HEY CAN I HAVE YOUR RAM WHATS THAT CAN I HAVE IT HEY SERIOUSLY

This guy was just saying the most rediculous things. "I wanted to see a movie where more things blow up," was one of my favorites.
To which my response was, "Dude, THE FUCKING EARTH BLEW UP. THE WHOLE THING! What more do you want?"

"Evidence that proves I've spent far too much of my recent life online: I was reading the back of a packet of biscuits and saw 'Cholestoral 0mg.' My mind read it as 'Cholesterol OMG!' I half expected the next two lines to be, "Sodium WTF" and "Saturated Fat LOL."

Andy: There was sand in my water
Dan: It's 95% sand, 5% water. It's good for the lungs
Andy: Well, I guess as long as there's some water...
Dan: You don't know what's in the water these days. You have to sand it down

Diana: I've been through puberty and back
Greg: Back?

Mike: And every Easter the Jews roll the rock off the cliff and if there's a shadow there's six more Easters

Dan: You might not think insane people can vote. But they're just like you, except insane.

Who listens to all that oo-wa crap in the background anyway? No one. I mean, do you? Or at least before you started singing in an a cappella group and caught yourself singing accompaniment to your favorite song with nonsense syllables? Soloists make the album.

"What the hell are you planning on doing with my testicles, Ben?"

"This hole is so not par 5. It's like, par 18 million."

My ex-advisor keeps telling me to stop trying to prove my existence and uniqueness.

"Case is moving to Halo Suite."

How to stump Google:
Try to find a painting called "Orchestra" by an artist who is much less famous than the orchestra conductor he shares a name with.

Now we're gonna have to rewrite so many great songs. "11 Coins in the Fountain." "111 Little Girls (Sittin' In the Back Seat)." "1000 Days a Week." "10000 Candles." "10000 Tons." Chicago's classic "11001 or 110 to 100." "110010 Ways to Leave Your Lover." "1100000 Tears." Can you possibly do them all? After all, you've only got 1100100 years to live. (A song, of course, by One-Oh-One For Fighting.)

"There's no such thing as 11:30ish! Ishes only exist on the hour!"

Some have suggested that psychology should not study the biological basis of sex differences because biologically-based theories legitimize negative stereotypes of women. I respond to these critics by noting that silence does not counter stereotypes, ignorance does not promote equality, and differences are not deficiencies. We have had stereotypes a lot longer than we have had research.
-- Dr. Diane Halpern

I saw a bumper sticker that said "Single and Conservative: Looking for Mr. RIGHT", so I thought to myself, I need a bumpersticker that says: "Single and Liberal -- Looking for whoever's LEFT"

We joked about two band names which, if they toured together.....
(After the opener set):
"Thank you!! We're 'Still Here'!! Stick around for 'More Crap'!!"

If your car is blue and my car is blue then that does not imply that your car is my car.
Likewise if both God and Your Mom are 5-d hypercubes that does not imply they are the same being.

Right now I don't need a relationship more complicated than "Hey! We're naked!"

The internet... Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

The Union of Differing Elements
hehe
what a hilarious title
might as well call it
"shit that dont go together"

"What the fuck does that even mean, Donny? You don't buy a trenchcoat from a whore."

In general, it is a good idea to make overloaded operators behave in an expected way. For example, it's a really good idea to make += and + defined so that x = x + 1 is the same as x += 1, even if it may be more fun to watch people try to figure out what your code does, you sick person you.

I once lived with a guy who decided he was really getting the rest of us by running a load of laundry in the washing machine (which was, in all fairness, his) and leaving it in there for a week. He was essentially living 99% of the time with his girlfriend anyway, so he didn't care. But the rest of us were all, "Umm, okay." and used the laundromat on the corner. All he really succeeded in doing was making his own clothes stink of mildew and wrecking his washing machine.

I have a hunch you want to pay attention not just to things that seem wrong, but things that seem wrong in a humorous way. I'm always pleased when I see someone laugh as they read a draft of an essay. But why should I be? I'm aiming for good ideas. Why should good ideas be funny? The connection may be surprise. Surprises make us laugh, and surprises are what one wants to deliver.

Nerds don't just happen to dress informally. They do it too consistently. Consciously or not, they dress informally as a prophylactic measure against stupidity....
Nerds tend to eschew formality of any sort. They're not impressed by one's job title, for example, or any of the other appurtenances of authority.
Indeed, that's practically the definition of a nerd. I found myself talking recently to someone from Hollywood who was planning a show about nerds. I thought it would be useful if I explained what a nerd was. What I came up with was: someone who doesn't expend any effort on marketing himself.
A nerd, in other words, is someone who concentrates on substance.

Believe it or not, the two senses of "hack" are also connected. Ugly and imaginative solutions have something in common: they both break the rules. And there is a gradual continuum between rule breaking that's merely ugly (using duct tape to attach something to your bike) and rule breaking that is brilliantly imaginative (discarding Euclidean space).

"Only werewolves need to use the bathroom."

"I will simultaneously hit you on the head, and myself in the crotch!"

"Please don't throw infomercials at me."

Ah, John Evans. He exploded onto the IF scene with Castle Amnos, described by many as "an interesting fantasy game premise, but with some nasty bugs -- perhaps you should get some beta-testing." This was quickly followed with Elements and Hell: A Comedy of Errors, two games with interesting fantasy premises but in need of beta-testing and a fuller implementation. Last year he made a stunning break from tradition with Domicile, a game in need of beta-testing, though with an interesting fantasy premise, and finally, this year Evans presents Order, showing he has truly mastered the genre of games with interesting premises but that are, nevertheless, sadly in need of beta-testing.

"I don't see why a pantyshot of a 16 year old isn't allowed when "a 50 foot tall killer whale masturbating all over the face of a 20-breasted 3 foot tall chipmunk [is allowed] provided neither of them are underaged."

i am totally aware that kwanzaa is literally a made-up holiday. it originated in 1969 or thereabouts, because people wanted to celebrate their african heritage. this means that kwanzaa is exactly as made-up as any other holiday, so don't look down your nose at it.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. --Matt Groening

Why the hell did the word "gay" or "fag" become an insult? That's like saying "you're black!" to a black guy.

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

On the Schrodinger's Cat concept applied to corpses: "So really, every time you look at a dead body, you're killing someone."

LOTR by Dave Barry
At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.

"If you have 2 on Monday morning and 10 on Tuesday afternoon, you have to circle the 10 and write involution next to it."

"they just open your door, and if you have like a giant flaming spike in the middle of your room..."

Your comment about posting no bills reminds me of a time 25 years ago when I visited London. I came upon a wall covered with bills. In the middle of the wall was a sign that read, "Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted." Beneath it, someone had written, "Bill Posters Is Innocent." I've always wondered how Bill's trial turned out.

"I brought it in, so it's out."

As a general take on some of the comments and things being discussed in the last couple pages, I just want to say that anyone who thinks you need to take a formulated approach to a relationship is a dumb piece of shit.
Any guy who automatically thinks that he has to sit through a "chick flick" in order to maintain a relationship is a dumb piece of shit.
Any girl who thinks she has to play "hard to get" or flirt with other men to get a guy's attention is a dumb piece of shit.
Any guy who figures that acting like an asshole's what he's supposed to do to attract girls is a dumb piece of shit.
Any girl who figures that you're supposed to go for the guy acting like an asshole is a dumb piece of shit.
Any guy who figures he has to buy a endless stream of impersonal or expensive junk for a girl because he has to so she'll have sex with him is a dumb piece of shit.
Any girl who thinks it's right for her to use sex and the offer of it as a bargaining chip to get something she wants, and especially only then, is a dumb piece of shit.
It's all a bunch of idiotic emotionless mind games, and in the end, all those do is fuck yourself and each other over. In conclusion, there are a lot of dumb pieces of shit out there.

"If chunkystring were alive, I'd kill it."

So he's telling me all about how punk rockers believe in freedom and love and less government and things like that, and I say, 'My God! They're hippies!' He said, 'No way! They're nothing like hippies.' I said, 'Trust me, son. I lived through the sixties. Hippies were all about peace and love and freedom and less government and things like that. Listen to some of the protest songs from that time.' So I sent him mp3s of a few good protest songs, like 'Blowing in the Wind', 'Where Have All the Flowers Gone?', 'The Times They are A-Changin'' and 'If I Had a Hammer'. Punks could record those very songs and just change a few of the terms to include the word 'fuck' frequently, and they'd be right on track.

BehindEveryLine: if bush wins
BehindEveryLine: let's rally all the kerry supporters at mudd
BehindEveryLine: to buy as many pretzels as we can for bush
BehindEveryLine: and send them to him with a note
BehindEveryLine: saying
BehindEveryLine: "have a crappy term, hope you choke to death."

Word of advice: Philosophy is just a placebo for angst. It's just semantic smoke and mirrors. It incites a false sense of stability, via locking one's self in a constricted logic. It happens all the fucking time: I see teenagers filled to the brim with angst, and hey discover Nietzsche, or Rand, or fucking Kant (or religion, that helps too), and suddenly they're enlightened, have a sense of purpose, and anyone who says differently is obviously wrong. Fuck philosophy, it's just another symptom of the disease which is human stupidity.

Being selective doesn't reduce your chances of getting what you want, it just means you won't get what you don't want on your way to getting what you want.

"Am I sleeping? No. Am I eating? No. Am I having sex? No. My life is sad right now".

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

Mark pointed out to me in connection with a post of mine on LanguageLog that hundreds or even thousands of unimaginative writers are using If Eskimos have N words for snow... (pick any number you like for the N), especially as the first sentence in a piece. It has become a journalistic cliche phrase with an attention-grabbing hook and totally free parameters for you to set as you wish -- that is, the value for N and the main clause that you continue the sentence with (like ...Santa Cruzans must have even more for surf or whatever).

Anyone who decides that they need to send a snarky reply to me about this will be, as far as I am concerned, dead. This is not a threat. I'm just not going to acknowledge your existence.

"You fail...only you get an A"

"There's a thunderstorm out tonight. So if you're depressed, put on your suit of armor and stand in a field."

Team Sinewave is going to mop the floor this season.
EDIT: And not because we are going to lose so badly that we have to quit race car driving and become janitors.

"So, did you find any food?"
"No, but I did find a nice steaming plate of YOUR DOOM!"

" Triple Redundancy Theatre presents: Triple Redundancy, by Triple Redundancy Theatre."

"I personally move couches more often than I eat..."

I guarantee you'll leave with 3 shoes: 2 on your feet and 1 in your ass.

"I just learned that my source at the ASHMC meeting for the prices of grad speakers pulled the numbers not from his back pocket, as I had assumed, but instead pulled them from somewhere else behind his back."

"A coordinate question to that just discussed is often heard in connection with myths and tales; that is, what do they mean? Frequently this is asked as a general question, and as such has no meaning to me. But often the matter is put much more specifically, so that we ask, "What does the tale of Cupid and Psyche mean?" I am inclined to agree with Bidney and to say that it means what it says. One important function of tales has been to fulfill pleasantly man's leisure, and there seems to be no evidence from those who have been familiar with storytellers in all parts of the world to make us believe that men everywhere cannot invent persons and scenes and project them upon a background, natural or supernatural, so as to make a story. It seems incredible that the further we go back, the more philosophical the tales should become, that they should contain allegories, or that the characters should represent heavenly bodies or stages of the weather."

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage

At a talent show, to someone performing Ice, Ice Baby: "I remember back when that song was cool... and it was called Under Pressure."

All multi-choice answers are "C". If it's fill in-the-blank, the answer is 42. If it is an essay of some sort, the answer is the Zero Wing intro.

"I like my day being brightened!"
"Kenny, that's when you say, 'I like your mom's day being brightened.'"
"I brightened your mom's day last night!"

"Only at Mudd is the question, 'why are we spending all our time wanking with each other when we could be spending it doing crack?' completely normal and won't turn any heads."

Another popular rationalization is that life without "challenges" would be boring and dehumanizing, so god does not remove them. The fallacy here is grouping all challenges together. I personally lead a very challenging and satisfying life, but I have not lately had to flee any volcanoes or earthquakes, go without food for a week, or suffer the ravages of some disease. I would be quite happy, in fact, if I never do have to face such challenges as those. There is plenty of room for amelioration of the human condition without making it dull. Does it not defeat the purpose of living life if you are to starve to death?

"He smoked a whole pack of slideshows!"

"Well, tell him to stop taking secs and come on!"

You obviously don't go to a movie like Spider-man to witness a measured deconstruction of Western civilization through sustained metaphor and symbolism (unless you're an English professor, in which case you've been programmed to see deep symbolism in a Publisher's Clearing House letter from Ed McMahon)

Went and saw Alien vs. Predator last night. If you enjoy wasting money then by all means go and see this movie.

jdayish: what do you think of bush and kerry
perfectblue_halo: the movie trailer for Aliens Versus Predator comes to mind... "Whoever wins, we lose."

"I stupided your mom's moron!"

I was once walking down the street late one night and a hooker called to me from the curb, asking me if I was looking for some fun. "No thanks, Miss," I replied, pulling out a pair of headphones. "I've got Disco House, the most fun there is." She nodded completely in agreement. "Word. Be on your way, then."

"Ben! Laptops are not chairs!"

"Look, it's a ghost! It's a big, pink ghost with clothes on underneath!"

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse..."

"So apparently their side of the box marketing people are a lot better than their... other side of the box marketing people."

Did you just "neh" my name?

Yeah, everyone knows about the Zimbabwe cricket team!

"Computers are bad for you."
"Yeah, they make you yellow or brown."

The CDI system was marketed as an educational device, and in many ways it was. If nothing else it taught you Lesson Number One: Don't spend $500 on worthless garbage, dipshit.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
-- Philip K. Dick

About trying to get a bunch of his friends to watch all of Star Trek in a week, and how most of them showed up: "...except for Jacob and his fucking girlfriend. That referring both to an adjective describing her state and a description of exactly what he was doing."

"I want a rematch!"
"That's what I just said, and I lost more horribly than the first time!"
"You can't lose more horribly than I just did!"

Also, it's got seven time signatures: 3/4, 4/4, 5/4, 5/8, 6/8, 7/8, and 9/8. And it opens on a tritone. If this were the Middle Ages, they'd burn me for heresy.

At first, I was just going to take the source of someones minesweeper implementation and just add a solver. But now, it really seems pointless. It is a feeling akin to having a brilliant idea about how you would make a better catapult and then to see someone drive by in a tank.

"Come on, eat the bug! Don't just do your spider dance!"

"That better make the stupid quotes list, or I'll eat my hat!"
"Make him eat his hat! Make him eat his hat!"

"When I get a green mana, you guys'll be sorry!"
To the third player: "He's telling us to kill him quickly!"

There are no photos of me on my page because my web page is not an attempt to find people who think I am cute. Also, I would prefer that people don't know what I look like unless I actually know them and they are my friends. Don't ask for a picture of me. I won't respond to your e-mail, and you're not gonna get a picture.

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

"I don't think any of us know what we're talking about. I'm gonna just draw circly pictures with arrows."

"Oooh look, a strange vial of some mysterious liquid! In my MAILBOX! I bet it's tasty!"

"Flattery is like chewing gum - enjoy it, but don't swallow it."
-- Mrs. Wilson, "Dennis The Menace"

I think the main issue is that we can't be sure homosexuals will treat the institution of marriage with the same reverance that we straights do. Marriage is a sacred union between two people who may or may not have met on a Fox reality show. It's not something to be taken lightly. As Britney Spears has shown us, if you get married it should be for the long haul, perhaps even a whole weekend.

Why should we be thankful? Who are you to dictate what we should enjoy and not enjoy? Maybe 3/4, 9/8, 65/64 and 32767/65536 are my friends OKKK!!!!111

"But yes, if you earn your graduation, unless you set fire to the principal's cat you'll get your certificate.
A good prank is to set fire to the principal's cat."

Ever find yourself reviewing things IRL, rexy? :P "this was a good date, but your conversation was a bit repetitive around 2:29. i'd give you a 54/100" :P

"It's not like, 'this was one of my students, and of all my students, this was one of them.'"

The Nintendo robot guy's name is "I Collect Dust in the Garage or Behind the NES"

We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood.
-- William James

There are religions so lucid and rational that believing in them is hardly different from not believing at all, and there are religions whose beliefs and practices are utterly bizarre, with theologies that resemble hallucinations, fever dreams, or bad science fiction B-movies. (It is a given that every religion has at least some members who think their own faith falls firmly into the former category and all others into the latter.)

I swear to god I just almost wrote the sentence "In this view, the bombing was a tragic necessity of war, tragic but necessary to end the war..."
Shoot me now."

"Hey Saviour Sephiroth, the best thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging."

"Some people think it's funny to see a physics teacher flapping around illustrating angular momentum. (I had one student ask me if I used to be a cheerleader.) You know what's funnier? Seeing an entire auditorium full of freshman physics students applying the Right Hand Rule during a physics exam. Even funnier? One student in the second row using his left hand."

"I wrote ice cream, but I meant to write march so I'm gonna change it."

Personally, I like my women like whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke...

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock Knock...

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake---which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

I'll be the first to admit that being gay makes a lot of sense, given that all women are whiny bitches, while just the vast majority of men are fuckwads.

"What actually occurred was that Zimmermann gave a copy of PGP to 'a friend,' who simply installed it on an American computer, which happened to be connected to the internet. After that, a hostile regime may or may not have downloaded it."

Catty: the image files are sort of big so if you do not see anything it means your computer is retarded and probably has extra chromosomes somewhere

"Unless Jesus was God. In which case he simply sacrificed himself to himself to convince himself to spare his creation from the wrath of himself."

"It's just doing it slowly and cocksucktacularly."

"I'm pretty sure that's an s. You're taking 's' mL."

"Dude, it was like 1mL plus or minus, like, 50!"

"See, I'm leet, so I'm gonna spill it all over myself."

[paRaLyX] what's long, hard and fucked two girls from my science class last week?
[Slax0r] omg...
[qwog] you didn't!
[paRaLyX] the mid-term physics exam :(

"Be courageous. There's nothing wrong with being wrong... I shouldn't say that. There's nothing wrong in being different."

"Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head."

WTF! How can you be anti-hate?
Doesn't anti-anything mean you hate something?

"If I need my alone time, you know what, I'll just go find it with someone else."

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full; go fill it up and it will be completely full

While St. Patrick's Day was originally a religious holiday marking the death of the patron saint of Ireland, it has since come to America and become secularized. While this in and of itself holds relatively little meaning for me, I would still rather not celebrate this day merely as Another-Excuse-to-Become-Drunk Day.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

Only on OCR can a man who's plagerized have a thread 5 pages long worth of flames, only to have his apology degrade into talk about movies in two.

"No, some ways of dying would be pretty cool. Like, jumping off a cliff into the mouth of a flaming lion..."

"How many worlds are there?"
"Three. The root beer world, the ice cream world, and the cake world."

"IQ is like money. Publicly you proclaim that those who have a lot are no better than those who have a little. Privately, you wish you had a lot."

"I have a minor knowledge of wrestling, but that doesn't matter if he can stab me with pointy little objects."
"Hold my wrist all you want... jab jab jab."

"Nick, the English language is not one-to-one and onto."

"A phallic symbol is anything longer than it is wide."

"There's nothing like the Eureka moment, of discovering something that no one knew before. I won't compare it to sex, but it lasts longer."
--Stephen Hawking

someone imitating a fundamentalist Christian kid:" Isn't there a huge hole in your heart where Jesus should be?"
Alejo: "Beats having the hole in my head."

"What? A fluffy bunny? On the eye of Saruman? It would burn and crackle! ... Do it!!

To a girl: "You hit like a girl! Which is surprising, given you mannish you are."

"You can't spell manslaughter without laughter!"

"Ok, I don't think we should be doing prostitution by induction."

"Do or do not, there is no spoon... "

"Sleep is for people who don't get all their homework done."

357 squared is 127449; that has nothing to do with my magic show, I just wanted to show off.

"Or if that was too cheap for you, this one's even cheaper!"

"Richard is a bad chocolate moose."

Bastard!
You get to clean the soda off my screen.

so a guy walks into a bar with a monkey
i forget the rest of the joke, but your mom's a whore

In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia makes subject-object inversion jokes about you.

I think smokers invented lighters because smoking makes a person ugly, and they were tired of hearing the same joke all the time: smoker - "Hey, got a match?" non-smoker - "Yeah, your face and my butt."

The new Britney Spears music video is like a softcore porn video... except the music ain't quite as good.

Note: The software I use costs money. However, there are cheaper ways to get the software, although I don't condone the use of KaZaA. (I prefer KazaaLite ;-)

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

RPGs in general taught me that most people aren't worth talking to, because they usually only have one sentence to say.

From 3DO I learned that the best way to make your amazing series of turn based strategy games look better is to surround it with the worst games ever made.

"Well, of course if you drink methanol you will go blind. But hey, when you are talking about chemicals, if there is something that you can drink and not die... that's pretty nontoxic."

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
badger badger badger,
badger badger mushroom

The Americans are the Nazis of the 20th century.
And below it...
The Nazis are the Nazis of the 20th century, dumbass.

"If brute forcing doesn't work... you're obviously not using a powerful enough computer."

"Physics tastes like chicken!"

"I am doing physics to Hadley."

"Sam's law: As a person's sexual desire approaches infinity, their ability to administer a turing test approaches 0."

"It is reasonable to expect a sample of humanity taken from those who expect to get sex out of internet chat to be biased towards the less intelligent portion of humanity."

"This is in no way a sweeping generalization and you are in no way a fucking moron for making it."

"How many ways are there to not make any groups out of no numbers?"

"Y, y, y, y, y... y girls didn't get any candy... the investigations are going."

"It's based on the height you gave me. If you don't like your seat, lie next time!"

"Differentiate! This isn't calculus!... Alright, let's do it anyway."

"oh and its just waiting to be said... they put the XXX in superbowl XXXVIII."

"Two, Three, Five, Eight, who do we appreciate... Fibonacci!"

"I Freuded your mom!"
"You Freuded your mom."

"I realize that it is far more beautiful for a butterfly to flap its wings in Brazil and [have] nothing happen. The important thing is that a butterfly flapped its wings, not that some ridiculous typhoon happened halfway across the world. Who cares about typhoons when you're watching a butterfly flap its wings? And who cares about butterflies when you're in the middle of a typhoon?"
-Lydia Whitlock

[sn]: Not when you're having sex with Jesus and it's IN A BUCKET.
[sn]: THAT'S BAD.

"Goddamn 14 year olds piss me off. They shouldn't grow big boobs and look old until they ARE old enough damnit!"

"Are science and religion converging? No. There are modern scientists whose words sound religious but whose beliefs, on close examination, turn out to be identical to those of other scientists who straightforwardly call themselves atheists."
--Richard Dawkins

"moosebutter is just like a cutting-edge, hard-core hip-hop group, except moosebutter is from Utah, all white, not interested in controversy, and also doesn't perform hip-hop."

"Drugs didn't make your friends idiots, they were idiots beforehand and you just didn't notice. "

My DAD told me to copy homework!
Your dad's an idiot!
Yeah, that's true.

It's a miracle! I'm cured of my insanity! Now I can go back to my normal life as a human-bat hybrid!

We didn't kill Billy. We just pushed him off the cliff. The ground killed him.

On a side note, have you heard the toys r us theme in japanese?
it's weeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrdddd.
it has the same tune, but... the lyrics sound funny.
cuz, where we might say "from bikes to trains to video games" they'd say
'hooba-dooba-mokichohabinowagata-shoobie-doowop-gargamel-hey-this-sentence-takes-twice-as-long-to-
say-in-japanese-so-we're-going-to-say-it-extremely-fucking-fast-to-try-to-keep-up-with-the-song-turbo-jumping
-jack-mae-wiztard-doi-dei-doko-deska-arigato-gozaimasu-ta-beetlejuice-beetlejuice-beetlejuice'"

I just read "half-troll turns into a pint of cider" instead of "half-troll turns into a pile of cinder."

"Acceptable plots can be done by hand or with Kaleidagraph or Origin. (On the other hand, unacceptable plots can also be done by hand or with Kaleidagraph or Origin!)"

"We're like, siamese twin unicorns."

"Don't kill people with me."

Birthday cake: 23 dollars.
Candles: 6 dollars.
A card: 5 dollars.
An antique vase: 23,742 dollars.
The look on your dad's face when he realizes that you borrowed his credit card: priceless.

"My intellegence will suprass yours any day, so don't even try a challange."

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
--Woody Allen

"We have a vat and we're filling it up with beer. Everybody likes beer."

"So you want to kill these people because they believe that people should be killed on the basis of their beliefs?
That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day...and I just came back from the Mormon thread."

"Fucks for you, Stephen."

"It would be 1 in 10 to the nth, where n is very large."

"Keep your stuff on your thing."

"Many say that DOS is the dark side, but actually UNIX is more like the dark side: It's less likely to find the one way to destroy your incredibly powerful machine, and more likely to make upper management choke."

"I suppose the writers assumed that nobody in the audience would know the difference -- but for those of us who did, it was as grossly impossible as if the movie had shown someone plugging a floor lamp into a water faucet."

"There's a jumping up and down bunch of balloons out there. I wonder if it's registered to vote."

Dick Button: she skates with her heart on her sleeve.
Peggy Flemming: She's not wearing any sleeves.

"There's a Zen trick to understanding computer science. First, become a pervert. Then, just think naturally."

" ...the words "security" and "Windows" go together like strawberries and... pickle."

"What do you want with a debugger?! You only need a debugger if you write code with bugs in it!"

"MAPLE is very easy to use. You type maple, and press Enter. Then you type help."

"Ingedients: Human sperm."

"This wouldn't be interesting even if I was drunk and high at the same time and stuck in a little black hole with nothing to do but read this over and over again."

"That takes some skill, Adam. And by skill, I mean, you're a loser."

The best Your Mom joke Kevin Bergemann has heard was in his AP CS class. One kid, who liked Apple computers, was trying to convince the rest of us that they were superior to PCs. One of his arguments was "Well, Apple makes quality computers." Of course, the response was "Your mom makes quality computers!" His response was, "I know, she works for Apple."

"...goes to show why you shouldn't overclock your computer in a microwave in the sahara desert in the sun...."

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
--James D. Nicoll

"What do you get when you steal eating utensils from Platt? SilverWaReZ."

"Infinity is four today."
--Professor Ward (This was also stated by Professor Dodds on 10/18/02!)

"Debbie, if math were sex you'd have the dirtiest mind EVER."

My doctoral research involved lots of field observations. Once I saw a grey squirrel chase a raccoon up a tree, and wrote "squirrel badgers raccoon up tree" in my fieldnotes. Prudently, I omitted that wording from the thesis.

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business Reply Mail Envelope.
4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold in your hand.
5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away whistling. I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

"Where's Clue?"
"No clue."

"Badgers. We don't need no stinkin' badgers."

It's the curse of a very good tenor to have an ego which allows them to put themselves on the line in ways they probably shouldn't.

Suppose we encounter a man running out of a lecture hall screaming at the top of his lungs that there's a stampeding herd of elephants in there. What we are to make of this assertion, and in particular how we are to evaluate its "causes'', should, I think, depend heavily on whether or not there is in fact a stampeding herd of elephants in there -- or, more precisely, since I admit that we have no direct, unmediated access to external reality -- whether when I and other people peek (cautiously!) into the room we see or hear a stampeding herd of elephants (or the destruction that such a herd might recently have caused before themselves exiting the room). If we do see such evidence of elephants, then the most plausible explanation of this set of observations is that there is (or was) in fact a stampeding herd of elephants in the lecture hall, that the man saw and/or heard it, and that his subsequent fright (which we might well share under the circumstances) led him to exit the room in a hurry and to scream the assertion that we overheard. And our reaction would be to call the police and the zookeepers. If, on the other hand, our own observations reveal no evidence of elephants in the lecture hall, then the most plausible explanation is that there was not in fact a stampeding herd of elephants in the room, that the man imagined the elephants as a result of some psychosis (whether internally or chemically induced), and that this led him to exit the room in a hurry and to scream the assertion that we overheard. And we'd call the police and the psychiatrists.[39] And I daresay that Barnes and Bloor, whatever they might write in journal articles for sociologists and philosophers, would do the same in real life.

"One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a voice said reassuringly: "Cheer up, things could get worse." So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse."
-- James Haggerty

"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert, and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."
-- P. J. O'Rourke

The song "Cop Killer" doesn't make me want to murder a policeman any more than Julie Andrews singing "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" makes me want to go hiking.

Some people assert that many hackers have a mild form of autism or Asperger's Syndrome, and are actually missing some of the brain circuitry that lubricates `normal' human social interaction. This may or may not be true. If you are not a hacker yourself, it may help you cope with our eccentricities if you think of us as being brain-damaged. Go right ahead. We won't care; we like being whatever it is we are, and generally have a healthy skepticism about clinical labels.

Never, ever expect hackers to be able to read closed proprietary document formats like Microsoft Word. Most hackers react to these about as well as you would to having a pile of steaming pig manure dumped on your doorstep.

Human beings are not natural killers; very, very few ever learn to enjoy murder or torture. Human beings, however, are sufficiently docile that many can eventually be taught to kill, to support killing, or to consent to killing on the command of an alpha male, entirely dissociating themselves from responsibility for the act. Our original sin is not murderousness — it is obedience.

Ugly programs are like ugly suspension bridges: they're much more liable to collapse than pretty ones, because the way humans (especially engineer-humans) perceive beauty is intimately related to our ability to process and understand complexity. A language that makes it hard to write elegant code makes it hard to write good code.

The effects in Lord Of The Rings always existed to serve the story and enhance the emotional texture - something George Lucas and the Wachowski Brothers lost sight of a long time ago.

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

Mark: "Are you playing Diablo?"
Me: "No, I'm talking to Kacie."
(pause)
Mark: "Oh, you're making tea. I mistook that for killing monsters."

"Remember kids, time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted at all!"

"I think a lost rugby team with pet elephants lives above us."

"She's kicked the living crap out of me so many times, I have no living crap left. It's all dead crap."

"I'm offended by all this talk of sex and alcohol seeing that I'm sitting here sober and not having sex."

Sign in Dining Hall: Do not remove food from dining hall for personal consumption.
"Can I take it and sell it?"

"'Into the Woods.' What is that from?"
"Into the Woods."

So this guy walks into his office.
Except that he doesn't because he was fired earlier that week, so he has no reason to walk into his office again.
So he doesn't.
And he isn't actually walking either because he has no legs.
He sawed them off because he lost his job.
In the end, everything worked out though and all the Christmas presents were delivered on time, so everybody was happy!
Except the guy, because he didn't have a job.
Or legs.

"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Niels Bohr

"A man of science can say that he might possibly be wrong. A man of faith cannot."
-- Timothy McNamara

"Snow? Does that have alcohol in it?"

"Here z can be anything! ::pauses and laughs:: ...meaning anything in the Real Numbers, of course. Not z to the chicken, z to the apple, you know?"

Remember kids, if you don't realize you are a guy and think you are a girl instead, it's a GOOD idea to make badly done Pop Videos and release them on the web for all to see!

"Thirty-one years ago, Dick Feynman told me about his 'sum over histories' version of quantum mechanics. 'The electron does anything it likes,' he said. 'It just goes in any direction at any speed, forward or backward in time, however it likes, and then you add up the amplitudes and it gives you the wave function.'
I said to him, 'You're crazy.'
But he wasn't." --Freeman Dyson

MoonlitKnight101: *impersonates vega out of street fighter anime. by clutching at his wounded face prissily*
lizscarr: handsome fighters never lose battles
MoonlitKnight101: omg
MoonlitKnight101: you = biggest dork ever.
lizscarr: you==me
lizscarr: god, I'm not helping my case here, am I?
MoonlitKnight101: wheres the boolean result of that comparison operator?
MoonlitKnight101: hmmm???
MoonlitKnight101: hmmmmmmmm?
lizscarr: ahhhhh!
lizscarr: you are such a geek.
lizscarr: look at us.
lizscarr: this is laughable.

Ok, a priest, a rabbi, a doctor, a lawyer, and a nun, all walk into a bar, and the bartender says,
"What is this, a fucking joke?"

"If this makes perfect sense to you, then I know that you're lying."

Professor Townsend: "What has 4 legs, a tail, howls at the moon, and is full of cement?"
(Silence)
Professor Townsend: "A wolf, of course."
Student: "But a wolf is not full of cement!"
Professor Townsend: "Yeah, I know. I just threw in the cement to make it hard."
o It should be noted that this exchange gives one a pretty good idea of how ProfessorTownsend tends to write homework problems.

"Fantastic piano, harp, oboe, and strings all are woven immaculately into a very flowing, human composition that to me at least is perfect tunage for sitting in the dark by the christmas tree, menorah, fire, or whatever glowing seasonal object you happen to have available, and enjoying the spirit of receiving shit for free. Wait, that came out wrong."

[a sn]: classical composers are all stuck up assholes though

"True or False: There is no such thing as truth.?"
"The declaration of the absence of truths would be, in and of itself, the declaration of a truth. It's a self-negating statement. So, false.
It's actually one of my favorite points to use in the process of confounding a postmodernist."

"Shut North up. While my dorm is technically quiet enough to study or sleep in, this is only if the Northies have already passed out in a drunken stupor and can't play their absurdly loud music anymore."

"Why is it always bad stuff? "You take X damage" "These Wargs come after you" Why is it never good stuff? Like bunnies? Or gold?"

"Why would she want to marry him? They're not even related!"

"It's easy. Just about an hour's work, if you know what you're doing. If you don't know what you're doing, it's much shorter: just say, 'I don't know what I'm doing. Next problem.'"

"If a matrix has full rank, then it is..."
"Your mom."

"Oh, I thought you said, 'child porn,' and it was much more interesting."

"No thread is too good for an old Asian woman humping a large blue ball."

"Maybe someday, God will decide to have you reborn as a "generic asian girl" and see how YOU like it."

"Yay! We talked her into giving us extra class... that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"We haven't talked about heat yet, but heat is, basically, what you think it is. Heat is, you know... hot."

"With so many vodka brands crowding liquor store shelves these days, it's hard to believe that there's room for another. But a new contender from Holland has an edge on the competition. Because, frankly, it's a lot of fun to ask a bartender for an "Effen" cocktail. (The word means "smooth, balanced, and even" in Dutch.)"

"You haven't really lived until you've snorted a line of cayenne red pepper."

A campus legend has it that a student, walking barefoot through the chem department, found himself face to face with Professor Van Hecke. "You can't walk barefoot in here," warned Van Hecke. "Why not," challenged the student foolishly. "It's not like there's broken glass on the floor." To which Van Hecke reaches into his office with one hand and brings out a beaker, which he smashes on the floor. "There is now."

"If I can't make the world a better place, the least I can do is make it worse."

"Geek image? To hell with that I say. :) I learned how to play Magic at the High School cafeteria my Junior year. My reputation was already shot to hell, but the good thing about that is you can pretty much get away with anything without sinking even lower.
It's a freedom you cool people can never enjoy. :p"

"Me: Excuse me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Her: What? No, I don't.
Me: Enough to break the ice. I'm... "

"Even after the ideas of Hellanicus were widely disseminated, Amazons were always depicted with the standard number of breasts in art, such as paintings on vases known as amphorae. Lovely jugs they are too."

Attendance has been dropping off a bit and that's to be expected, but I still encourage you to bring friends and random strangers. You think I'm joking about the random strangers. You think wrong.

Out of context snippet of chat room conversation:
[a person] what are you talkin about? who said anythin about hatin on your music? i'm saying guitar and one night stands are not interesting...
[another person] they give me a stomache ache though, so i don't know why the hell i'm eating one

"There was a time when the newspapers said that only twelve men understood the theory of relativity. I do not believe that there ever was such a time. There might have been a time when only one man did, because he was the only guy who caught on, before he wrote his paper. But after people read the paper a lot of people understood the theory of relativity in some way or other, certainly more than twelve. On the other hand, I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics."
- Richard Feynman

"Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel?"

"Yet so ingrained is our habit of considering women a downtrodden "minority" that we still hear complaints that women are somehow being mistreated because so few of them choose to major in mathematics. (It is apparently inconceivable that women might simply be allowed to freely choose what they're interested in studying.)"

"Having a non-fully functional demo is like trying out a radio that you can look at but not hear any sound from."

"I have a pizza and I know how to use it. I'm not allergic to unicycles."

"No sucking of the cocks until I get some answers."

"So you have the KKK, and the black panthers..."
"Right, and they fight it out and they all die, and the Ka's cancel out!"

"One milliwatt equals ten to the scribble watts."

"There is a finite, non-zero probability that Jonathan will be in his room at any given time. It is, admittedly, only slightly higher than the probability that he'll quantum tunnel into the room the moment you check it, but it does exist."

The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures. Yet the program construct, unlike the poet's words, is real in the sense that in moves and works, producing visible outputs separate from the construct itself. It prints results, draws pictures, produces sounds, moves arms. The magic of myth and legend has come true in our time. One types the correct incantation on the keyboard, and a display screen comes to life, showing things that never were nor could be.
-- Frederick T. Brooks"

"If you like heavily repetitive songs with shoddy melodies -- I never liked the original anyways -- that use a set of lukewarm DnB instrument samples, then this mix is perfect for you."

"See this is where sex occurs. My fingers are sex."

"Wait that's not a bong, it's a computer water cooler."

"Regular Islamics are not a problem. The Islamic extremists cause the trouble. If only they read their own holy book...."

"I could be chainsawing guinea pigs in the parking lot, and they couldn't do anything to me, because I've got tenure. I could kill one of you, and all they could do is put me on paid leave until I got out on parole."

"That's not sexist. That's, like, weight...ist."

"So the q charge is surrounded by pyrex."
"Surrounded by pirates?"
"...surrounded by a pyrex sphere."
"...of radius Arrr?"
"Shut up Adam"

[a sn]: Is Joachin a phsics major
[a sn]: shysics
[a sn]: physics'
[a sn]: ?

"Don't worry Erik, if I find some stranger raping you, I'll help."

"'No.': those three simple characters that are so hard for a man to say. And by a man, I mean a programming language."

"I just ate equilibrium."

"I have one thing to say to you: 625. Now, does that help?"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
-- Walt West

self-reference n. See self-reference.

Godwin's Law prov. [Usenet] "As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." There is a tradition in many groups that, once this occurs, that thread is over, and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically lost whatever argument was in progress. Godwin's Law thus practically guarantees the existence of an upper bound on thread length in those groups. However there is also a widely- recognized codicil that any intentional triggering of Godwin's Law in order to invoke its thread-ending effects will be unsuccessful.

"Please remember that we can ONLY answer questions about Webfoot's own products! If you have a question about a product from another developer, you must contact that other developer instead! Believe it or not, we DO get many questions from people about games that are made by other companies. While we'd love to help everyone, our knowledge about other companies' products, and the universe in general, is finite."

"Undocumented feature' is a common, allegedly humorous euphemism for a bug. There's a related joke that is sometimes referred to as the "one-question geek test". You say to someone "I saw a Volkswagen Beetle today with a vanity license plate that read FEATURE". If he/she laughs, he/she is a geek."

"down 1. adj. Not operating. "The up escalator is down" is considered a humorous thing to say (unless of course you were expecting to use it)..."

"On a snowy morning during Fall finals, at the beginning of the week that the first Lord Of The Rings movie was to be released, a "gold" ring with red Elvish script appeared around the Great Dome.
The hackers were apparently not completely successful, for neither the Great Dome nor Building 10 managed to vanish into the realm of shadows."

"I've heard of Porn-bombing, but Beaver-bombing!?
Wow. This place gets stranger every time I visit..."

"That was not a schoolgirl. That was a deranged rabbit."

"It's only sadism if it's not Jeff."

"The only Christians I see in the street are street preachers screaming verses at people and telling them they're going to go to hell for holding different religious beliefs.
The nutjobs really hated it when I handed them slips of paper I had printed up that quoted Matthew 6:5 and 6:6 (summary: Jesus says people who shout their faith on streetcorners are hypocrites). I should start doing that again."

"Reading rots your mind. Drink instead."

I remain unconvinced that free will can ever be derived from determinism. I think the best we can do is pseudo-freedom. In the complex world of human beings and social systems the causes are so numerous and interconnected that it is difficult--nigh impossible--to get our minds around the causal net in its entirety. The enormity of this complexity leads us to feel and act free, even if we are actually determined. Since no cause or set of causes we select as the determiners of human action can be complete, freedom arises out of this ignorance of causes.
-Michael Shermer

"Your face is a fuck. Fuck-face."

hentai otaku wrote: "Why is it that the most ignorent amungst us are the most popular"
~ wrote: "Is the irony there supposed to be that you spelled "ignorant" and "amongst" wrong?"

"Come on, who wants to stalk and drink the blood of someone who's ugly?"

"I'm being called a nerd by a Harvey Mudd student?"
"By an Eastie, no less."

"Judo? You should try some St Fu, an obsure form of Kung Fu in which a person stops acting like an idiot. It's obscure because the people smart enough to understand how to use it don't need to."

"Good things about Macau
# If your plane ever crash lands there, it's only an hour away from Hong Kong.
# You can leave.

"Your elbow is not a pirate."

"I'm on a relativistic rhino! Hurrah!"

"Taking away guns and trying to convince your children that guns don't exist won't stop the violence in the United States. If someone can't shoot you with a gun they will shoot you with a knife, if you take away the knife they will shoot you with a truncheon, and so on until people are being shot in the streets with pillows and kittens."

"He challenged me to a match of wits, but since I'm not very witty, it just turned into a match of how many times I had to club him with a crowbar until he collapsed."

[person 1] Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
[person 2] What's scary about heaven?
[person 1] dude, christians hang out there.

[person 1] i went into the D&D store cuz they had old capcom arcade booths for sale, and my girlfriend followed me in. All the guys were sitting at a table playing D&D, and this one long haired dude got up out of his seat, strode up to my gf, bowed and said "May I help you my lady?"
[person 2] I don't know, man. That's pretty smooth. What was his charisma? 17? 18?

“Yes, I am indeed drunk, but you are ugly. Tomorrow, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.”
--Winston Churchill

"Jesus, what a stupid word. Who comes up with slang these days, anyway? How did "sick," "bad" and "ill" become compliments? Before long, street kids will be going up to one another: "man, you are a fucking asshole!" "Hey, thanx dood."

Proof by Contradiction
_________________
1. Suppose something stupid.
2. Algebra it to death.
3. Arrive at something stupider.

"The more visible you make yourselves, all you executives, the more everybody will hate you. Disappear from the public eye and revise your business model to fit the current technology.
Meanwhile, any copy-protection scheme you come up with that would make it harder for me to copy songs onto the player I use when I'm running, and I'll simply stop buying any music from your company. I already have a lot of music. I can listen to it for years before I need to buy another CD, if you've made it so I can't use it in the lawful ways that I want to. "

"Myth No. 5: Every infringing download represents lost sales.
The labels love to recite this statistic in various forms, but anyone with an ounce of common sense can tell you that just because someone was willing to download something for free, it doesn't mean they would have bought the song on an album. Most downloaders grab lots of stuff they would never, in a million years, plunk down their hard-earned money for. Therefore, those downloads do not represent lost sales, no matter what the RIAA's public relations team tells the papers. "

"Patting Nate on the head is the same as a group hug."

"NT thinks the world of you. NT figures that you can actually do something useful with the hundreds of digits you're given after a crash. 'Ah, 80f6bc08! Of course!'"

"When your mind becomes obsessed with anything, you will filter everything else out and find that thing everywhere" - Sol Robeson in Pi

"For those of you who, like me, don't feel like reading all the overnight schmack but are curious what it was about, I'd like to present this summary:
Look at me, I'm so cool, I'm up late at night!
Me too!
Me three! (etc etc)
Have some random numbers!"

"'... the law, which defines chemical weapons of mass destruction as 'any substance that is designed or has the capability to cause death or serious injury' and contains toxic chemicals.'
Hmm. I think my car is running low on chemical weapons of mass destruction. I'd better go buy some more chemical weapons of mass destruction for $2.00 a gallon."

"I rarely use file-sharing apps anymore, but it's got nothing to do with morality. The labels have done an excellent job of making them almost useless to me by flooding them with dopplegangers that look like real songs but are actually five minutes of beeps, which is fine when I'm looking for techno."

"I am working. In a sort of non-working sort of way."

"Some people have a way with words. Other people... not have way."
- Steve Martin

"That's a funky looking constant. That constant grows as a function of n."

"Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe its true, or because they are afraid it might be true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."

"Why is it that I can listen to a track from Megaman on repeat for 20 minutes and can't stand listening to a Christina Aguilara song for more than 5 seconds?"

[a sn]: all this talk about bras is confusing me much
[a sn]: I think I'll go study multivariable calculus now

"Ok, 'your mom' does not count as a thesis statement."

About lim x as a -> 0 of f(x) = x*sin(1/x), and it being or not being equal to 0: "You're tempted to say it is, because you're multiplying by zero. But zero times a banana is not zero."

"Finally in Arnold Schwarzenegger we have a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German."

How much did Lost Skeleton cost to make?
Umm... let's just say less than $100,000.
A lot less?
(whistles absently)
Wow, talk about a bare bones production.
(long pause)
I guess you've heard that one before.
And the one about using a skeleton crew, too.

"I know you think you're the first person to discover the fat Star Wars kid video, and although everyone enjoys the timeless humor of a kid twirling a pole, assume that everyone has already seen it and DON'T SEND IT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE. To be on the safe side, format your hard drive and cancel your internet account."

"Fixing computers at Scripps" doesn't really mean fixing computers at Scripps. Or, I should say, if you try to use it that way, you'll just get winked at.

Here's what I say:
Before anyone under 18 buys a violent game, they must be given a test to determine whether or not they're complete idiots.

"I always feel that if a woman is attracted to me, then she is REALLY screwed up."

[a sn]: i just suck at btyping

"Goodness that depends on fear of hell or fear of the policeman or fear of punishment is not goodness at all - it is simply cowardice."
-- A. S. Neill, Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child Rearing

[a sn]: I was thinking about becoming a nun, and devoting my life to the mighty lord
[a sn]: but then i woke up and realized it was just a nightmare

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
-- Marcus Brigstocke, British Comedian

"Also, a third mistake is that Eleusis should never have been as co-operative with the cops. He should have refused to answer *any* questions, he should have asked the cops if he was being arrested and if he could speak to a lawyer and be completely un-cooperative. He didn't have to tell them that he made photographic chemicals, or offered any information about the UPS package. When questioned about the UPS package he should have taken the Ronald Reagan defense "I don't recall." Not remembering something -- even when it's painful obvious to everyone around that you're lying -- is great, because later you can suddenly "remember" it when it comes time to talk to the judge if your *lawyer* indicates that it might be in your best interests to remember it."


We who live and die by the Macintosh scoff at you! Scoff do we from our overpriced well-designed G4 towers and our overpriced but slightly more secure OS X Operating System! "HA HA HA" say we, and then we go back to quietly wishing someone would write some damn programs for our sexy, secure and overpriced computers."

"Stems kicks a**. Your a**."

"What's not as trivial is puzzling out which people on that unenviable list should be eventually named as defendants in the lawsuits. Imagine the negative fallout if RIAA ends up suing a family member of Rep. Lamar Smith, R-Texas., who chairs a crucial copyright subcommittee--or a music industry executive who secretly hangs out on Grokster every evening."

"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone." -Bjarne Stroustrup, computer science professor, designer of C++ programming language (1950- )

(Do we call ducks, "ducks," because ducks duck, or do we call ducking "ducking" because ducks duck?)

"HARVEY MUDD!!!
People often ask me who I had to pay/kill/f**k to get into that school. The answer... you don't want to know.

"I was thinking it was much better than I thought it was."

"Where's the shiny pencil you've been using... that's under the table... in your hand...?"
"Well, judging by your question...."

"Why on earth would anyone have a knife to cut incorporeal bread?"

I've never liked the term "computer science." The main reason I don't like it is that there's no such thing. Computer science is a grab bag of tenuously related areas thrown together by an accident of history, like Yugoslavia. At one end you have people who are really mathematicians, but call what they're doing computer science so they can get DARPA grants. In the middle you have people working on something like the natural history of computers-- studying the behavior of algorithms for routing data through networks, for example. And then at the other extreme you have the hackers, who are trying to write interesting software, and for whom computers are just a medium of expression, as concrete is for architects or paint for painters. It's as if mathematicians, physicists, and architects all had to be in the same department.

The word I most misunderstood was "tact." As used by adults, it seemed to mean keeping your mouth shut. Based on this I made up an etymology for it. I assumed it was derived from the same root as "tacit" and "taciturn," and that it literally meant being quiet. I vowed that I would never be tactful; they were never going to shut me up. In fact, it's derived from the same root as "tactile," and what it means is to have a deft touch. Tactful is the opposite of clumsy. I don't think I learned this until college.

[sn]: go for it, It'd be good to know the names of the other
[sn]: *orhter
[sn]: *OTHERS

"Shut your big mouth and throw it out the window!"

Problem: "I attended all my lectures, but still found I failed miserably in all subjects."
Solution: This is a common case, and is usually a symptom of being a loser. The second most common problem is that none of your lecturers have spoken English for more than 2 months. Although you attend lectures, you don’t actually understand what your lecturer says, let alone the concept he/she is attempting to share in ancient Hebrew. Find a translating service or select a new course.

"If you want to torture your sims; start a fire and remove the kitchen door."

"I could be hovering, pressed myself against up the ceiling."
"Adam, that's what happens when you talk too fast."

guy: Hey, you know what sucks?
otherguy: vaccuums
guy: Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
otherguy: black holes
guy: Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
otherguy: lava?

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." -- From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

"The only real problem is that, as science fiction, it has some serious shortcomings. For any reader who has some basic knowledge of quantum mechanics or wave theory, the scientific concepts that represent the core of the book are ludicrous mumbo jumbo. It is also annoying in an SF novel for the author not to know the difference between a bacterium and a virus, or not know that rotting fruits are not dying but being consumed by microorganisms. It is also annoying for the scientists not to express surprise that Torah code provides insights into quantum physics and future history."

"In one case, the powers behind Hitler were too sensitive. In an interview with TV Guide, executive producer Ed Gernon said the U.S. before the war in Iraq was, like Germany during Hitler's rise, a place where people were afraid to go against the prevailing current. Hitler's production company, Alliance Atlantis, immediately fired him - inadvertantly proving his point."

"New Yorkers feel that George W. Bush is anti-semantic."

"There's a prejudice in favor of making actual sense of something."

"No languages have a banana for a word, they all have sounds. That's a universal as far as I know."

"If you think you get that, you're wrong."

"Just because I'm writing it on the board doesn't mean you should believe it."

'Tears unnumbered ye shall shed; and the Valar will fence Valinor against you, and shut you out, so that not even the echo of your lamentation shall pass over the mountains. On the House of Feanor the wrath of the Valar lieth from the West unto the uttermost East, and upon all that will follow them it shall be laid also. Their Oath shall drive them, and yet betray them, and ever snatch away the very treasures that they have sworn to pursue. To evil end shall all things turn that they begin well; and by treason of kin unto kin, and the fear of treason, shall this come to pass. The Dispossessed shall they be for ever.' Then Feanor turned to his sons and said "Well, shit."

"But Joan of Arc never made you play dodgeball."

Disclaimer
You use this software at your own risk. It probably won't work on your system. It probably won't do what you or I expect. It'll probably corrupt your saved games. Then it'll erase your copy of Unreal, followed by your entire operating system. It will then cause your monitor to explode killing your family, friends and favourite pets. Enjoy!

"The amazing thing about this screenplay, and I am absolutely not joking here, is that you could pull anybody off the street and they could easily write a screenplay this bad. Next time, just pick a homeless person to write the screenplay, feed him lunch, and you'll save yourself a ton of money and nobody will be the wiser."

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
-Poul Anderson

"There's music that makes your body twitch, your feet tap, your arms flail, and all the other movements that are, when done by someone other than me, called 'dancing.'"

* What do I need to run Flash Flash Revolution?...
A sound card! I know, that is pretty obvious. But complaints do come in from people who are at the office with no speakers/headphones or audiocard wondering why they don't hear anything.

"Vodka is such a high-school thing."

"These are both far back, but this is so far back that it only occurs in Arabic."

"See, 'pig' begins with a 'p.' What you want is crushed virgin in boiled rice."

"And ppl are retarded and you need to control crowds too and answer dumb questions. Like "Is this a free trolley?" 1) Does this look like a friggin trolley, it is a friggin double decker bus? 2) Does it look free? You have been on trolleys before so stop being stupid."

"- There will be a "Library" where you will find tutorials, essays, and resources. And we're actually going to put something in there this time."

An away message: "You want to know something pathetic yet funny, You actually taking the time to read my extremely boring message. (thats the pathetic part).the funny part is that I'm sitting in front of the computer screen ...laughing."

"Those little balls of light are good incarnate! Well, not really incarnate. Inlucate."

"So basically, you call them up and say, 'I hate you, so can I give you some money for nothing?'"

"I'm making mnemonic devices that we won't mnemonize."

"Don't click at me in that tone of voice, young man!"
"Oh yeah, well, [!]!"

"It looks complicated. In the sense of really easy, but annoyingly hard."

*Shareware
"Shareware means that you have a chance of trying a game for a very low fee (or no fee), and if you enjoy this program you should register (buy) it after 30 days. If you don't want to register the game, you must delete it after 30 days, because otherwise you'll be killed by the KGB!"

"'It's a nice idea,' said Stephanie Faul, a spokeswoman for the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety in Washington. 'But I would like to point out there is a communication device already attached to your car - it's called a turn signal - and some people don't even use that.'"

"What was so wrong with the game? I'll sum it up in one brief description of a portion of the game. At some point your orbiter arrives at a planet and you must launch your equipment to the surface. A screen comes up with something like 8 buttons. You must click the buttons from the top to the bottom, then press "OK". Well, that's it. That's what passed for "fun" in Outpost. I just can't imagine someone at Sierra thinking that pressing 8 buttons from top to bottom somehow added to the gameplay - 'Doh, I forgot to press the first button! This game rocks!'"

"Who's that?"
"Your mom... no, really, that's your mom."

[AIM screen name]: this is really really irritating
[AIM screen name]: find: Little scraps of red paper
[AIM screen name]: yes
[AIM screen name]: medium sized black calculator
[AIM screen name]: no

"Facial hair is not a gesture!"

"Always air. Air is the superior element. And I mean 'better,' not 'higher up.'"

"I do many things, including working at a zoo and at a wildlife rehabilitation facility, both of which I do for free because no one will pay me for the kind of work I want to do. Well, I just haven't found anyone to pay me to kill people yet, but I'm fairly certain they do pay people for stuff like that."

"'Spread' is the opposite of rounded. It means, 'unrounded.'"

"The sim is geared to classroom / homework use (ie, it's a pretty small and unadorned program/game compared to commercial computer strategy games (which is why I find them difficult to integrate into courses, much as I'd like to (which inspired me to make it)))"

Problem:
I have the demo, and this one house in the east always gets me stuck in my own house
Answers:
Yes, this is a serious bug in the demo. We forgot to include a screen, whupsie!
Why are you playing the demo? The full version has been released as freeware, go get it, this problem is fixed.

"As far as 'my belief is that if Christianity was a crock it would've died about 1993 years ago', you seem to assume that people will only believe something if it is true. I won't bother to cite examples disproving this because I think the logical flaws with this premise are self-explanatory."

"Where does coincidence end? Where are the boundaries between those events that are natural occurrences and those whose improbability makes the mind reel? I happen to end up near someone twice, a month and two hundred miles apart, at the exact moment he happens to be mentioning me? "

Girls = Time x Money
Time = Money
Girls = Money ^2
Money = evil ^ (Money is the root of all evil)
Girls = (evil ^ ) ^2
Girls = evil
QED

[sn]: i wish you were here
[other sn]: "here" being...?
[first sn]: um, here, where else would here be?

"Leonardo probably would be pleased. He spent his entire working life dealing with the Sforzas of Milan and the Medicis of Florence--powerful, ruthless, and fabulously wealthy people. CD technology would undoubtedly amaze and delight him. And Bill Gates as a patron probably would have made Leonardo feel right at home."

"You have a choice of playing as a male or female character, although the choice of female character is evidently an afterthought, since you will be referred to as a "he" throughout the game and chased by well-endowed women."

"Ok. I graduated high school and it's been nonstop wasting time ever since. Moreso than usual. This is like wasting time in five dimensions. Scientists are studying me to see how I waste time outside the contstraints of the laws of physics."

"That's dumb. While his list is presumptuous, just because someone thinks something isn't good doesn't necessarily mean they think they're better. Just because the guy from Phish can play guitar better than I can doesn't mean they're good."

"What a lovely thread full of dumb."

"But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell" (Matthew 5:22).
"But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a fool who built his house on sand" (Matthew 7:26).

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below" (Exodus 20:4).
"And make two cherubim out of hammered gold at the ends of the cover" (Exodus 25:18).

"All the livestock of the Egyptians died, but not one animal belonging to the Israelites died" (Exodus 9:6).
"The Egyptians-all Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen and troops-pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea near Pi Hahiroth, opposite Baal Zephon" (Exodus 14:9).

"He answered: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'" (LK 10:27).
"Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name" (DT 6:13).
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1JN 4:18).

"Most people are bothered by those passages of scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I DO understand."
-- Mark Twain

"Jesus' last words on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" hardly seem like the words of a man who planned it that way. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure there is something wrong here."
-- "Rev." Donald Morgan

"And when he kept screaming "Are you ready for the new s@#t!?" on the repetitive chorus, I found myself actually screaming back at my speakers "Hell yeah!" But the new s@#t never came. Not as far as I could tell. Word to the wise: never name a piece of your work "This Is The New S@#t" if it ain't."

"I was thinking about the Bible, and all the miracles Jesus does. You know, you could kick Jesus' ass with 3rd level D&D spells. I mean, like, one fireball."

"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Describing an answer to an essay question asking for a comparison of the family structures of As I Lay Dying and The Joy Luck Club: "Well, there was this family in As I Lay Dying. Now let me tell you about all this stuff in The Joy Luck Club."

"C is often described, with a mixture of fondness and disdain varying according to the speaker, as 'a language that combines all the elegance and power of assembly language with all the readability and maintainability of assembly language.'"

"Historical note: One correspondent believes `chad' (sense 2) derives from the Chadless keypunch (named for its inventor), which cut little u-shaped tabs in the card to make a hole when the tab folded back, rather than punching out a circle/rectangle; it was clear that if the Chadless keypunch didn't make them, then the stuff that other keypunches made had to be `chad'. "

"Contrary to stereotype, hackers are not usually intellectually narrow; they tend to be interested in any subject that can provide mental stimulation, and can often discourse knowledgeably and even interestingly on any number of obscure subjects -- if you can get them to talk at all, as opposed to, say, going back to their hacking."

"The bible is also cool because it's one of the few books that people try to do serious critical analysis of after only reading a bunch of random quotes from it."

"Neither sushi nor chinese are corn flakes."

I walked in expecting a movie for thirteensomethings, and walked out feeling challenged and satisfied. Curious, how much more grown up and sophisticated "Holes" is than "Anger Management."

"Drinking to cure depression is an extremely bad idea. Normally I'd figure this is self-evident, but on the other hand we've also convinced several hundred people that it's a great idea to throw hard rubber balls at each other's faces."

"The lateness of today's comic was however due to these same relations taking me to see Lord of the Rings.... My review of the movie: Take the John Shaft theme song and then replace the word SHAFT with Lord-of-the-Rings. Not as catchy, but you understand. ( And for those that don't follow who Shaft is, he's a bad mutha- ). This screening was soon followed by a game of 'where the hell's the Ethernet cord!?!' and then 'StarCraft.'"

"Yeah, I was wearing a big yellow rug. Much like Into the Woods, where I was wearing a little, grey rug."

"I laughed, I cried... I laughed when it was done right, and I cried when you messed it up."

"Kenny's a bacteri... I mean Kenny's... doing Spanish."

"It's perfectly natural and very beautiful. Don't look at it."

Semantically, one rich source of jargon constructions is the hackish tendency to anthropomorphize hardware and software. English purists and academic computer scientists frequently look down on others for anthropomorphizing hardware and software, considering this sort of behavior to be characteristic of naive misunderstanding. But most hackers anthropomorphize freely, frequently describing program behavior in terms of wants and desires.
The key to understanding this kind of usage is that it isn't done in a naive way; hackers don't personalize their stuff in the sense of feeling empathy with it, nor do they mystically believe that the things they work on every day are `alive'. To the contrary: hackers who anthropomorphize are expressing not a vitalistic view of program behavior but a mechanistic view of human behavior.

"Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE?"

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war."
- Jay Leno.

"Commander Lock: 'Not everyone believes what you believe.'
Morpheus: 'My beliefs do not require that they do.'
Characters are always talking like this in "The Matrix Reloaded," which plays like a collaboration involving a geek, a comic book and the smartest kid in Philosophy 101."

"Think about it. How many times have you needed to say "sine" or "cosine," except when you meant "sign" and "cosign." And if you don't know the difference, has it set you back in life?"

"The best thing about Chicago's well-deserved best-picture Oscar is that now every studio will film a musical.
The worst thing is that most of them will be terrible and will fail miserably at the box office, and it will be ten years before anyone can get funding to make a good one."

"According to this article in the Daily Telegraph, the assembly-line-style stunt is not a triumph of special effects—it's real. It took six months to plan and 606 takes over four days to get one in which everything worked right. It's actually a little surprising that Honda is out there bragging about what a huge pain this project was: After all, "Isn't it nice when things just work - after 605 failed attempts?" is not such a compelling sell."

"Well, you take my rook, but I get checkmate in one..."

"Well, I wish I had a history book, so I could find something relating to How the Mind Works in it."

"So here we have a thread built up on drugs, idiots and hardcore mathematics! Very... random?!"

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.
-Mark Twain

"Almost anything is good with butter and garlic."
"Corn flakes."

"Who won from Scotts Valley?"
"The really cute straight chick. Who was really really disappointingly straight."

"When exactly an artificial language becomes an authentic language is impossible to say. Certainly there is a comparable number of self proclaimed Klingons as there are speakers of Gaelic, but whether Klingon gains legitimacy depends primarily on whether it can be taken seriously."

"A special note to students doing research for school papers: The word "research" does not mean 'getting someone else to do your work for you'. Please do not write me notes such as "please send me everything you know about kiwi birds plus lots of pictures". I do NOT have any other pictures or information to send you."

"It's an efficient way of accommodating our aesthetic or ecological scruples about plastic -- we merely call it something else and go on as before."

"I need to turn around. This would be easier if, say, there were a Bonny Doon Presbyterian Church."

"That would be ironic. Due to the high level of irony."

"It can be, under certain circumstances. Which are actually quite rare."

"Gold takes up space in your inventory in Diablo? What kind of game is that? It'll probably weigh you down, next! I mean, who can't carry around an infinite amount of gold!"

* Please note: if you have a comment about Curmudgeons' Corner, read the following before you write. Our curmudgeons, Malcolm Tent and Barb Dwyer (and guests), are just that - curmudgeons. It's their job to complain about what they see as abuse and misuse of English. You don't need to tell us that they are being prescriptivist and elitist, or that they are essentially denying that English is a living, evolving language. We know that. We tell Barb and Malcolm that all the time. They just don't listen and continue to complain. And we continue to publish their comments for your enjoyment.

"Kangaroo Jack himself is a digitally animated freak-of-technology who, as he vamps for the camera and makes ostensibly kangaroo-like cooing noises, bears an uncanny resemblance to Jar Jar Binks. It's like Jar Jar Binks got his own movie. Imagine Star Wars with no space ships, no gun fights, no rebels, no Empire, no story, no characters and no future -- just Jar Jar Binks alone in the Australian outback, with you."

"'The Real Cancun' is nothing more than a commentary on how stupid people are, and that includes both the people in the film and the people who voluntarily pay to watch it."

"Either I find the right guy and something weird happens, or I find the wrong guy and something weird happens, or the wrong guy finds me and, yes, something weird happens. It sucks."

"You have to take."
"This is where I just scratch myself until something new comes up."
"You have to take!"
"I'm scratching here!"

"I like crapping through my mouth. It's fun."

Jelly World
Doesn't exist. It says that everywhere. What gave you the idea it existed? And beware the giant jelly… that doesn't exist… because it has some weird flavors… that, naturally, don't exist.

"You're not gonna get very far if you only understand what people are saying while you're not paying attention to them!"

About the stage direction, "They nod absentmindedly, thinking thoughtfully:" "It's like saying, 'dark black whiteness.'"

"If I could be a flatworm as a profession, I totally would. Get to go kill people and stuff."
"Why don't you just be an assassin, then?"

"I had a hard time with it."
"You asked two other people to do it for you, and then looked it up on the internet!"

"Dude, the sun is on fire!"

"Armies of marketers toiling for years can't figure out how to grab Web-users' attention, and then a flash file with screen-shots from an outdated arcade game accompanied by clumsy subtitles conquers the world.
Is it any wonder no one can figure out how to make money off the Web?"

"Dang those sponges! They're foiling my every thought!"

"Wow, you weren't kidding when you said "experimental." Sounds like you took a MIDI and set all the instruments to sound effects."

IF YOU EMAIL ME AND ASK HOW TO MAKE IT WORK IN WIN95, I'LL DELETE YOUR MESSAGE AND TELL ALL MY FRIENDS WHAT A TARD YOU ARE. (Hint: It is not clever to ask about Win98/ME/NT/2000 while pointing out that you aren't asking about Win95. It is evidence that you are exactly the same as the thousands of turds who have smirkingly come before you. Go away.)

I do not have the source code for Quake. I cannot email you a version of ttyquake for LinuxPPC or Linux Alpha or Windows NT because I don't have access to any of these platforms. I do not have the source code for Quake. I cannot email you a version of Quake or Quake II for LinuxPPC or Linux Alpha or Windows NT. I do not have the source code for Quake. I do not have the source code for Quake. Even if you promise not to give it away to anyone else, I still do not have the source code for Quake.

"Since the dawn of time, radios have lived in caves and eaten small children."

"She smoked and drank like a fish and a sailor put together..."

"Skip the book, read the moo... "

"Adam, if you were in a pile of human, how maneuverable would you be?"

"Kenny, don't get near me when you spew chunks."

"Exactly. Back to torturing. I mean NOT back to torturing."

"I'm plunging your counter into red-wax-stuck-on-it-ness."

"I take the ancient artifact and turn it into a gold piece."

"Course your strength is the leaning tower of strength-things."

"Skip the movie. Read the book. Or just skip the movie."

"Gremlin rushes just don't happen in Heroes 4. Possibly to do with the total lack of gremlins. "

You know the world has gone insane when:
- The top rapper is white
- The top golfer is black
- The tallest NBA player is Asian
- France is calling the USA arrogant
- The Germans don't want to go to war

"I have the ability to explain it very clearly, to Faren."

"If a college is good at everything, then you lose the ability to be..." (interrupted) "bad!"

"What 6 things did I just learn from clicking those links I didn't click on?"

Saying 'yo' won't change your skin color, and adding 'baby' to it just makes me want to punch your face in.

The worst midi music EVER: http://www.wisdomworks.org/straightjacket/forward1.htm

[An AIM screen name]: ur stopid

lol
in l33t: 101
in IdIoT: lolololoolollolol1111111
in html: {font face="Arial" Size="12"}lol{/font}
I speak 4 languages.

"If Florida were a hotel, then Disney World would not be a "free park in hotel."

Since July 21, 1989, many of you out there have been wondering, "When can I get 'Weird Al' Yankovic's cult-hit movie "UHF" on DVD, a format that has yet to be invented?"

About a line of glass Klein bottles:
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR IDIOTS: Non-metric topological manifolds may be considered ideal elastic objects, able to be bent, stretched, twisted, or deformed as long as nearby points in one space correspond to nearby points in the transformed version. However, Acme's Borosilicate Klein Bottles are physical instantiations of such mathematical concepts. As such, they should not be subject to transformations which substantially increase the material's internal stress tensors. Specifically, please recognize that dihydrogen monoxide has a coefficent of expansion which is negatively correlated with temperature near its freezing point, and thus expands when changing from liquid to solid. This increase in volume can cause stresses within a containing vessel. Borosilicate glass -- such as that which Acme uses to manufacture its fine Klein Bottles -- has a finite capacity to absorb these stresses and retain a linear stress-strain relationship. When a certain stress is exceeded, the intermolecular silicate bonds will delaminate, resulting in stress-induced fractures. In other words, FREEZING WATER EXPANDS AND WILL SHATTER YOUR KLEIN BOTTLE.
More from this site:
* You can convert your Acme Klein Bottle into an astonishing amount of energy, over 10^23 ergs! Enough to power a small city for years. To get you started, we'll supply the necessary equation for free.
* Acme donates all of its profits to a college fund for the owner's children.
Important - these are made of bronze, which contains copper so they aren't safe for food. Don't use these as punch bowls, salad bowls, or for food preparation. Do NOT wash, peel,, cube, and boil eight large potatoes, mixing in 1/2 cup Mayo, 4 Hard Boiled Eggs (sliced), 1 Tsp Dijon Mustard, a handful of chopped green onions, some sliced celery, and a dash of garlic powder.

"Anyone else think that it's weird how we've invented so many subtle genres for beat-oriented electronic music and that we get a little miffed when, for example, d'n'b is labeled as techno?
And yet we happily call 400 years of Western music spanning 100's of genres 'classical.'"

"Plastic is not magnetic. Neither is your head."

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

About Eye of the Beholder: "Best end to a game EVER!!!!
For those who haven't finished it, you'll be pleased to know that the end is an error message. YAY!!
Apparently the makers wanted an extra disk to put the end animation on, but were denied."

"He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice."
-Albert Einstein

"Bush fans get so defensive and downright nasty when anyone voices a differing opinion. Why does it even matter? Bush has made it clear he doesn't give a flying f**k if people disagree with his policies or not, so where's the harm? At the rate we're going, he'll probably declare himself dictator of the USA, and people will cheer him on because it's some great treasonous sin to dislike the actions of whatever moron is in office."

"maestrodeclure, that is far from the only sign that Bush is in this war for the money. Let's not forget his award winning speech, asking Iraqis to not burn down their oil fields. Also, let's just take a look at the rest of the world, shall we? Hmm...North Korea. Wow, they've got a working nuclear program, and they have ICBMs that can hit America. Iraq has a few SCUD missles that might be able to almost hit Israel. And yet, we go after the nation with oil. Go figure."

"That is just so cute! Is that a Jesus Christ?"

"I just got a whatever-that-is."

"It's a common feature of old languages, which we degraded into 'f' and "t-h." Note: "t-h."

"There's no swearing, except for one word that's not swearing."

"99% of girls and English teachers do not care at ALL about Pi Day, and will look upon you unfavorably if you mention it. General rule of thumb: Do not mention Pi Day to anyone unless you wouldn't feel silly telling them that "all your base are belong to us."

"Jason is a nerd" is an axiom. If you don't know what an axiom is, stick your head out the window and scream "I AM A LAMER" at the top of your voice. (Don't expect that to help you learn what 'axiom' means :p )

"The only good thing about Solitaire is being able to ruin it with a hex editor so nobody else can play it. I usually go out of my way to get rid of Solitaire from computers I work on. The last office I worked in, I replaced the Solitaire executable with a program that generated a run-time error if anyone tried to run it. So any dipshits that wanted to play Solitaire were slammed with gibberish and error codes (so basically I made it like every other shitty unstable Windows application)."

"Wow! Their doors don't fall over like ours did!"

"My essay is kicking ass! It's just way too short and doesn't have any quotes."

"How often do you update your page?
At least once every week. And by 'once every week,' I really mean 'when I get a chance.' And by 'when I get a chance,' I really mean never."

"Tabasco Sauce is a hot sauce made of red capsicum peppers, salt and vinegar.
The peppers are crushed, put in jars with vinegar and salt for a month or so, and then stirred for about another month or so. The result? A kickass sauce to put on anything. Here is what I suggest putting Tabasco sauce on:
* Everything
Tabasco sauce goes best with everything, and plenty of it."

"I thought it was a pretty good movie, but for the sake of being a jerk, I'm going to say it sucked. Screw you."

"When will people learn? Nobody wants to see a bunch of losers dancing and singing. We want to see death. Violence. Murder. The decay of western society. We want to see it all, and we want it to be gross. If it's not offensive, it's just not fun. "

And just because you don't UNDERSTAND the theory doesn't make it STUPID. If that were the case, then given that I don't understand YOU....

"Just because our brainstorming involves your idea, doesn't mean it's plagiarism."

"One of the points is: all we're talking about is a guy with a boat."

"Would you please take all your pagers, your cell phones, your young children and please turn them off."

"I've got it before! What is it about California?"

"Humanity wasn't supposed to be wiped out. It was supposed to be robbed of all free will and kept in little tunnels."

"I think that was, like, 20-part harmony."
"Uh, that's really impressive, because there's only 17 of us..."

"This is a solid meat and potatoes, sweet as saccharine 'tronica track."

While discussing how we don't know where memory is stored in the brain: "It is theoretically possible to know the information. It's stored in everyone's brain."

"Up is the direction gravitons are going in. Assuming gravitons."

To an excuse made for attacking an ally: "Gee! I made it hard for you to attack your allies!"

"He isn't going to be home until sometime around now."

"I have a problem with both of them. Because they're the same person."

"He's hitting him with the non-gnome-covered blade part."

"Hey! I have a hit point!"

"I didn't say we didn't have any ice cream! I just said, 'if only we had ice cream.'"

"That'll teach you to be winning while the world blows up!"

"Pretzels from the trash.
Possibly they were poisoned.
New zipper-top bag."

"If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew."
-Albert Einstein

"People just get depressed when you tell them about other people trying to exterminate the Jews."

"You could have saved a buck if you'd invited someone... Or you could have paid an extra six dollars."

"I have mad, like, 7th-grader skills."

"In painting, it is necessary to show contrast between elements to give full effect. For example, if everything in a painting is dark, technically it's dark but people won't see it that way, they'll just squint their eyes at it. However, if you add in some bright splashes or highlights, the dark is emphasized and *then* people say 'wow that's dark stuff over there'."

"It's close to a niece. What's a 'y' chromosome? Or several billion."

"This is a bit longer stuff, actually, and for five and a half minutes, beginning and ending with the ticking clock from CT's title screen, the title music is presented in an electronic & electrified context, with layered, distorted, and bitcrushed drums flying every which way and more stop-and-go tricks and trips than you can shake a stick at. Even if shaking sticks is your forte."

"For a little while, I had a crush on my ex-step-cousin-in-law twice removed." Followed by: "What! That's what she was! I think."

"Besides, mine are asterisks and yours is a star."
"You know what 'asterisk' means?"

"It's not that I'm actually going to go. Just that I can support what she's doing... by wasting paper for her."

"Hey Nat:
The word that best describes you rhymes with 'dumptruck'."

"Reading your post shouldn’t mean we have to be fluent in some alien hybrid of English and Klingon. This is not a race to see who can post the fastest. We like thoughtful, intelligent discussion. We also like to be able to READ your point of view."

High school at its finest: "Go away. You're not cool."

"Q: Why do programmers celebrate Halloween on Christmas?

A: Because OCT 31 = DEC 25!"

"I don't want to see videogame music entering the mainstream. I think it should remain as it is now: a specialized niche in the control of the sceners who covet it. Those who truly love and care for it can guide its growth and development. When anything becomes mainstream, the social majority gains controls of it, and more often than not its true meaning is lost. Videogame music would become muddied, leeched dry, and sterilized of what makes it so dear to us. Why give up our baby for adoption by society for the sole purpose of showing it off in the foolish want of its acceptance, at the risk of it being mishandled, abused, or flat-out killed off?
Listeners seek vgmusic.
Not vice versa."

"Tracking is the fine art of laying out phat beatz, rhythmz, and soundz. (I apologize for the language, just had to show I'm down with the scene. Even though I'm not.)"

"By clicking on the enter button below, you affirm that:

1) You are of legal age, or at least willing to lie about being of legal age.

2) You understand that this page is meant for amusement purposes only, and in the case that you might be offended by something on this page, you are free to get the hell out at any time.

3) You will not send me nasty E-mail if you are offended by this page. Constructive criticism, good. Threats of eternal damnation, bad. Threats of eternal damnation disguised as constructive criticism, very very bad. Got it? Good."

: I have a great idea! You guys should get a chat room.
Yeah, that's an amazing idea. In fact, it's a wonder that we didn't already think of that several years ago. Oh wait, that's right, we did. So here's my great idea: Look around the site before suggesting things that we need to have.

: Why don't you update the game zips files more often?
Because I'm not supposed to. I do the FAQ. I don't handle the archive. I'd just mess something up.
: Why doesn't whoever is supposed to update the game zip files do it more often, then?..."

": Why are you guys so lazy?
I'll answer this one when I get around to it."

"We'll accept well done remixes. It is entirely up to us to decide what is a well done remix. It must be musically coherent and flow well, and it must be more than a simple changing of instruments and addition of a drum beat. The ZHQ Zelda Dance Remix is a good example of the type of file we're likely to accept (Although that particular song is one we will not accept, so please, STOP UPLOADING IT!)."

": Can I record a song in Sound Recorder, call it a MIDI and upload it to your site?
No. No. No no no no no. In other words, no. You may not. If you record a song in Sound Recorder (Or any other wave recorder), you've made a wave file, not a MIDI file. You can't make it a MIDI just by changing the name. It does not work, and it will not work. Windows may say that you've produced a MIDI file by doing that, but that's because Windows is stupid. In addition, no."

: I'd like to learn HTML. Do you have any advice?
I have five pieces of advice.
# View the source code of various pages.
# View the source code of other pages.
# Find a good on-line tutorial and listing of HTML tags. Don't waste your money on a book.
# View some more source code.
# Don't ask me for help, this isn't a "Learn HTML" site.

"No upstaging the staple."

[An AIM screen name](8:46:39 PM): be back soon
[An AIM screen name](8:46:41 PM): i am back

"It could just be me. But, if it's just me, it's also you."

"[An AIM screen name]: just because I have memorized family trees...not only the characters...but the names of the weapons of the characters, the names of the horses of the chars., who forged the weapons of the characters......... doesn't mean I am insane."

"Yes, this is the gong. It's over there."

"You write under the guise of dealing with issues that predominate within society, whereas the sad truth is that you are trying to be contraversial in order to provoke a response from complete strangers, thus feeding your own superficial ego. so you managed to piss off a couple of single mothers. Feel importaant cos they took the time out to answer?

TMB:
Contraversy is my middle name. Really. My parents didn't spell very well, either. "

"White underwear people... and basses."

"You have one warning and then you'll get pitched out of the auditorium. This is your warning."

"Jeff, if you push me, I'll suck your cock, er, I mean, you'll suck mine!"

"It might be contrary to his religious belief to use a weapon he can actually wield."

"But I'm me, and you're a character!"

"Let's go kill some innocent... um... goblins!"

"Don't give me that! I'll kill us all!"

"We'd be happy talking about our project, just as long as we're not actually doing it."

"We're having too much fun with this. It's supposed to be painful and boring."

"How do we say that the test strips sucked, without actually saying 'the test strips suck.'"

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it, and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain

unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

"[Literary-minded] men choose Hamlet because every man sees himself as a disinherited monarch. Women choose Alice [in Wonderland] because every woman sees herself as the only reasonable creature among crazy people who think they are disinherited monarchs."
- Adam Gopnik, The New Yorker

"The essential point in science is not a complicated mathematical formalism or a ritualized experimentation. Rather the heart of science is a kind of shrewd honesty that springs from really wanting to know what the hell is going on!"
- Saul-Paul Sirag

Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One

"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, and after Chips?"

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

[An AIM screen name]: sorry, I'm afradi
[An AIM screen name]: *afriad

[An AIM screen name]: <---- laughing at you for being such an idoit

[An AIM screen name]: lol, kenny just said that you said that i said he said to go away

[An AIM screen name]: halleluyah
[An AIM screen name]: (i dont CARE if i spelt it rong)

"Have you ever noticed how similar 'money' is to 'monkey'?"
"It's what happens if you earn one K too many."

"It was officially night at this point, so we decided to call it a day."

"Isn't it sad how some people can't be funny, so they have to settle for being obnoxious?"

"I'm not a genius, everybody else is just really really dumb."

"Convert this to an integer. '5.6'"
"Okay, you didn't say which integer...10!"

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan

We download because it is difficult to sympathize with a business that claims its artists are losing money to the file sharing phenomenon, and then typically pays them last -- after the label, the managers, the lawyers, the label's promotion department and everyone else involved in making and promoting the record. Artists make little, if any, money from albums unless they are megasellers. It is through touring and merchandise sales -- and maybe publishing royalties -- where artists have any hope of recouping the costs of making an album and earning a living. Downloads can't infringe upon concerts, radio play and T-shirts.

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=13577
The way I see it is this; religious fanatics always have, and always will deem anything overtly popular as evil. More than any other type of person zealots hate and fear what they don't understand and try to justify these negative feelings by labeling stuff as evil or satanic (it's just so easy to hate the devil). On the other hand you have these people involved in CCG's or RPG's or video games, that do wrong stuff, like the high school shootings. Let's face it, the people that do this are akin to a powder keg, they have the potential to explode and do harm, all they need is a spark. The fact that spark sometimes comes from games is irrelevant, if it wasn't games then it would have been TV, or alcohol, print media, etc. In closing, if you'll remember, one of the reasons Hitler went off on the Jews as he did was that he felt he was punishing the race responsible for the death of Jesus. He got that idea from the Bible, does that make the Bible evil?
There should be *NO* blocked sites, for anything, or anyone. If young children find porn they're most likely going to either be repulsed or find it hilarious. If there's a problem they should feel capable of going to their parents for an explanation. And those parents should be brave enough to give it.

Forewarned is forearmed, you know. We warn children not to take candy from strangers. Should we instead "protect" them from the knowledge monsters really do exist and can hurt them?

http://www.newsherald.com/backtalk/2000/07/forum3e.htm

I play video games, watch violent movies, and view porn for their original purpose: entertainment. None of them are realistic.

Quake teaches players how to kill about as much as Bust a Groove teaches uncoordinated white people how to dance. After years of playing first person shooters, I still have lousy aim on the rare occasions I visit the shooting range.
http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/quake_killer.html

You are viewing the etc page. This page is meant for things that don't fit in well anywhere else on my cozy little site. This page is like... hmm. What is it like? You know those public bulletin boards that you see in grocery stores and banks where people sometimes post stuff about selling things, meetings, announcements, then you get some goober who puts up a flyer detailing his views on the cultural oppression of banana farmers in Jamaica in the minimal hope that maybe it will be up there for most of the day before the owner notices it and rips it down?
That's this page.

Downloads via http from this site can sometimes be fast. Other times, they can be the opposite of fast - that is, slow.

All articles that appear herein are the property of their respective writers, with the exception of the ones stolen off the Net, which are public domain. No portion of an article can be reproduced in any way without written consent of the author, as well as a large sum of money, some of your bone marrow, a little piece of your hair, a little piece of your shirt, and a contract saying we get to keep your soul as well as your first-born child. Do not infringe on this copyright and force us to send the rat creatures after you. Batteries not included. Void where prohibited. CAUTION: Reading these articles has caused cancer in lab rats and also causes low fetal birth weight. Consult your physician before attempting to read any HOTZP article. Always wear seatbelts, even with an airbag. You are getting sleepy... very sleepy... You are under my control... Subliminal message... Forever and ever, 'til death do you part. With liberty and justice for all. Amen. Offer not valid in Tennessee.

On the description of a t-shirt: "Get ziggy with it. (not literally! as in, you don't 'get a ziggy' with it.)

This Page looks best when viewed with Netscape! This Page looks horrible when viewed with AOL's browser! This Page gets angry and frusterated with viewed with Microsoft!

PsychadelicAMP... Ooooh, the colors.
WinAMP 95... Ooooh, the lack of colors. This is for all of you guys who just couldn't get enough of Windows95 already and want to go all-out win95 (man that is sick).

Oh, if no one else has told you this yet.....
It is illegal to own ROM images that you do not have on an SNES cartridge. If these ROMs cause any damage you cannot blame me nor JPS. Who actually reads this stuff? Neither I nor my ISP (jps.net) are responsible for your actions with these ROM images. If an IRS agent and a lawyer were drowning and you can only save one, what would you do? (a) Read the newspaper (b) Drink coffee or (c) Go to sleep. Are you still reading this?!?! You must delete the ROM images in 24 hours once you download them if you don't have the actual cartridge. All rom images should only be used for educational purposes (yeah, right).

!?**WaRninG**?!
These ROMS Are only for People who have them

Super Mario RPG!! It doesn't work!!! Don't download unless you are stupid!! Bugs:
It doesn't work!

Mario Cart!! This is basically the best racing game ever, too bad it's hella damn messed up.  Bugs: 1) Glitchy 2) Only Zsnes 0.715c can run it 3) Sometimes crashes Zsnes for no reason

(this is about a starcraft map) On the downside, the detail is bad. Looks a little artificial, but who knows... Maybe there IS a river with five exactly the same temples in it?

Indian Nuclear Test
Type: Seismic Description: Raises the water level and poisons all the worms.
Power: Poison
Use: Get high and press space.

Description: A great 8 player map based off of the Blizzard classic, Killing Fields, except with different terrain, locations, and resources.

from a readme file: *** How to play single player *** 1.Run Starcraft First 2.Choose multi-player 3.Choose play by modem 4.Create game 5.Choose FF7.scm 6.Choose your hero by press the word "Avalanche" 7.Press Start

Asking your teacher how to enter numbers into your calculator while the test is going on makes a poor statement about something. I'm not sure what, but definitely something is being stated.

Back to Index.