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And this guy, because he was getting sidepiece off of my grandma...

You granola-eating kale-faces!

Yeah, it's a great strategy when the game's about to end, to get all the things that are worth no points!

The jacket is taking advantage of me!

Can you please try and break Prod right now?

With great power comes great getting smacked in the face.

Basically what I was doing was manual machine learning... I was the machine, and I was learning.

I'm gonna be honest, if I had to choose between boba and turtles... I'm sorry, bye bye turtles.

Anything is a fireplace if you try hard enough.

That's cheating! I might as well study for tests!

Smoke-test means I go smoke, and you go test, right?

If the pope and the anti-pope touch, do they, like, annihilate each other?

The Starks have correctly predicted nine of the last five winters.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy a lot of unhappiness repellent.

Will it be safe to drive under the influence of lavender?

I just killed two people by pretending I was dead, woo!

To a usability person the English translation of "Business Rule X0000-005 - The XML data has failed schema validation." is "We don't know how to appropriately communicate with the general public."

"Who appreciates that piece of paper?" (Hands raised) "I killed some trees for you."

"From now on, 2% of my pay is going to go to my 'This is Bullshit' fund that pays for all things related to Bullshit"

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, (and also wears a swastika armband and says terrible things about jewish people) then it might just be a nazi duck.

As you can see, it's sunny with a chance of requirements gathering...

Note to self: Never anthropomorphize gadgets. They hate it when you do that.

You said slash fic and I started paying attention.

I'm not gonna touch a butterfly until after the Cuban missile crisis.

QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

Just remember "Alcohol intensifies the effect of this medication" is intended as a warning, not a serving suggestion.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Starve the bastard to death and you don't have to give him a fish.

I once took an Assembler II class and the prof asked why we chose the elective. I went for the funny answer: "because I wanted an easy A." Thought I had the best answer but we had a Honeywell plant in town and the next guy said "I write microcode all day and I wanted to learn a high-level language."

Regardless of your feelings about illegal drugs, Silk Road is more than just a "pharmacy". It is a market for all sorts of illegal activity, from feds pretending to be human trafficking to feds pretending to be guns for hire.

You're being brainwashed by rightwing mimosas.

This question appears to be off-topic because it is about 'i need urgent help plz'

It wasn't supposed to be on fire, but I just got excited.

My software told me "your username/password is invalid". So I entered "invalid" for both. Still didn't work.

"Failing to check a citation and perpetuating a spurious quotation is little different from lying".
-- Socrates

Slumbering Ancient God From Beyond The Stars? There's an app for that.

microsoft could sell dog turds covered in feathers, and my employer would buy 2 just in case we needed an extra

I only recently learned about the recency illusion, and suddenly everybody is suffering from it. Uncanny!

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-Andrew Tanenbaum, 1981

Obfuscation is like painting a lock on your door, hoping that it would fool would-be thieves.

English is a little bit like a child. We love and nurture it into being, and once it gains gross motor skills, it starts going exactly where we don't want it to go: it heads right for the goddamned light sockets. We put it in nice clothes and tell it to make friends, and it comes home covered in mud, with its underwear on its head and someone else's socks on its feet. We ask it to clean up or to take out the garbage, and instead it hollers at us that we don't run its life, man. Then it stomps off to its room to listen to The Smiths in the dark.

Who doesn't want to stick it to The Man, even if he's made of straw?

When you go on those exciting rides at Disneyland, your picture will be snapped mid-ride (usually at your most unflattering moment) and you will have the opportunity to buy a print of your picture at a little booth near the ride exit. The pictures will cost a million dollars. OK, I'm exaggerating a bit: a million dollars is for the 8 x 10, it only costs half a million dollars for the 5 x 7.

Guns are the only thing that can hurt Superman. You can shoot him all you want with bullets, but throw the gun at him and he has to duck.

Write documentation as if whoever reads it is a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

If there's anything good about being a honky, it's the culture. The remorseless pillaging of other people's culture, I mean. Resistance is futile. You WILL be ASSIMILATED.

One morning when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found his desktop PC transformed into a horrible verminmobile phone.

I find the "this fan blows" jokes a refreshing change from the constant barrage of "this vacuum sucks" jokes, don't you?

I guess computers in Dallas adopt wild west slang when they type guess and internally monologue to themselves

As a female, you are more than likely in possession of a set of body parts that make the average male sproing for the stars. Because of this, many women tend to assume that the way to a man's heart is through his crotch.
This is wrong. The way to a man's crotch is through his crotch. It won't get you much further.

I will give the game credit for this: The story worked. This should not be praise. This should be the most basic, obvious accomplishment that a game can achieve. This should be like saying of a restaurant, "The food was cooked."

I actually read that well-done 3D can trick your brain into storing movies in the place that it would normally store memories of real events. That said, most 3D movies trick your brain into spending money on them, sitting through them then storing the memories in the same place you lock away 4th grade wedgies, 5th grade accidental farts during book reports and 10th grade atomic wedgies.

"There are no such things as stupid questions. There are just questions that will get you laughed at."

One time, I found a cell phone in a dorm lounge. I was there watching my show and was planning to leave the phone in place in case the owner came looking for it. The phone began to ring incessantly, and eventually I answered in case the owner was calling to search for the phone.
Before I could say more than, "Hello", the owner started chewing me out as a despicable cell phone thief.
I didn't appreciate this sort of mistreatment. What to do? Well, I am not a thief, so naturally I decided to do the right thing.
I took the phone and dropped it down the nearby elevator shaft, then resumed watching my show.

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