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about carapaces: "That's, like, harder garbage on your stuff."
"that's not a commercial, it's an advertisement."
"You couldn't hurt a dead fly!"
about getting hurt in a computer game: "You could say 'that hurt!', or you could say something more logical, like 'ow'."
"I didn't ask if you minded, I asked if you cared."
to a statement that somebody hadn't picked their choice yet:"But I didn't pick mine, first!"
"Nick, you're not just a loser, you're a double loser loser loser."
About a false rumor that Queen Amidala is in a nude scene in The Phantom Menace, "When she's nude, does she have her costume off?"
to a comment, 'I don't give a flying f***: "But f***s don't fly!"
"We're going to assume that the surface we're worried about is flat unless it's on a hill."
"There's kind of two questions there. Let's look at the first two first."
"I have drinken Calistoga."
"I'm so almost positive."
"You mean closed, as in, like, not open?"
"You're talking too much today, please."
"It tastes purple."
"Get off me. You're squishing my interns."
While teaching about parabolas: "Maximum value has minimum."
"There's nothing wrong with adding, but there's really something wrong with subtracting negatives."
To a statement that a comment made no sense, "no sense is fun to not make."
about foci of ellipses, "are they just like random points?"
about something having been proved to not work, "but have they proved that it does work?"
"I don't want to check myself, I might be wrong!"
"You think you're all smart and stuff, just because you're smart."
About how fun it is getting drunk, "Killing your brain cells is a lot more fun than sitting at home watching tv."
About armour in a game called Wyvern, "You can never have too many of those, as long as you only have one."
While explaining the previous quote to somebody, "Armour protects you from dying if you die."
About our tidepools, "You can come here 2 months ago, and it will look totally different."
About a writing assignment, "They're not supposed to be very long in length."
About falling out of a ferris wheel, "You can fall out and die, and then sue them."
"It is not your city. It never will be, and it never will be!"
"At the Rosecrusian museum, they've got mummies that are mummified."
To a question about how many songs on a cd are from Anime, "I believe 3 out of 7 are, and the other 3 aren't."
"Write down whichever one you're probably definitely going to use."
About a arithmetic sequence, "You add by three."
"If it's on a computer and it's not a game, it's a waste of time."
While studying for a physics test, "Since when has anyone been able to succeed without cheating?"
To an accusation that somebody had stuck their finger into somebody else's nose: "You stuck your head in my finger."
"I'm gonna get ten dollars yesterday."
"You're not a moron, you're just stupid."
To a question about why latin is so strange, "Because the Romans are an idiot."
A reply to the standard 'I could say a lot of bad things about you, but I won't': "I could say you're stupid, ugly and your breath smells funny, but I won't."
When asked to put away a board game, "I'll definitely forget, but I'll do it anyway."
When asked if he'd like to play frisbee, "I'd love to, but I'd rather not."
About abandonwarez, "They sell things that aren't being sold anymore."
About a thief who knocks on peoples' door, pretending to want a drink of water, "He knocks on peoples' doors, and they open it for him, when nobody's home."
To a question, 'when will you get a CD burner,' the reply being, 'I don't know, eventually': "You said that eventually ago!"
"In order to keep rhythm in the Illiad, everybody had prefixes after their names."
After saying bad news: "But the good news is that whining won't change anything."
About chemistry class getting out late: "They got out 2 or 3 minutes ago, and they haven't gotten out yet!"
About 3 day weekends: "I love Thursdays that are Fridays."
"I have one thing to say to you, and I'm not going to say it."
"He was a really important guy; both of them."
About double-replacement reactions: "These two are like, 'I like each other more.'"
When marked off for putting quotation marks in the wrong place, "It's not my fault. I just do that sometimes!"
About Sir Isaac Newton, "He invented gravity."
"This is a very important word here: 'does not exist'"
About how bad a whistle is for her ears, "I can't handle that. I'm already deaf."
"That's not raunchy. It's good, clean, vulgar fun."
"Good enough isn't good enough."
"Sanskrit letters are all the same."
"I don't know much about drinking marijuana."
In response to a question about why he put problem 37 after problem 38-40: "Why do pigs have wings?"
"In South Africa, they castrate the women."
"They don't want to market itself as a popsicle."
"I know what it is, I just want to know, like, what is it?"
Similar problems: "I know what they are, I just need to figure out what they are!"
"I'm having a bad week today."
"We're going 90 degrees in the opposite direction."
"I know better than almost anyone - there is nothing worse than surviving death."
"Explaining why she opened the fire escape door, "I was just checking to make sure an alarm wouldn't go off."
"First you have all sorts of bad things happen to you, and then at the same time, you die."
"That way, I can be nosy without prying."
"Tomorrow will be the last day that you can get it from me, and then you'll have to get it from the office after today."
"When a girl becomes a woman, it's called a bat mitzvah, but when a boy does, it's a bar mitzvah."
"I have a stupid quote for you, but I don't remember what it is or even probably where I wrote it down."
"Do you know only about 3 out of 100 paperclips are actually used to paper clips together?"
"I would say that life is really f***ed up, but I can't, so I won't."
While playing AD&D: "We're going in pairs. That way, if something nasty happens, two people will die at once."
"That's 12 percent of a gold pieces."
"I don't know, you ask me."
About the advantage of high ground in a computer game called Liero: "You know, it always helps if you're on top. Usually."
"Uh-oh! We're tied and you're winning."
"Druids can't teach it to any other people, and that includes ravens."
"I don't have anyone that's alive in my family. I'm just an orphanage."
"Ok, stop it. Some people are allergic to strobe lights, you know."
"You're not going to the same college, is it?"
"He's an old man who practices muslimism."
About Cosmic Encounter: "Is it going to be a game that I'm going to be really bad at, because you have to do stupid things and stuff?"
"I'm not lazy. I'm just lazy because I didn't do my math homework."
"Seriously, if he wasn't straight, he'd be gay."
At a school dance: "Sitting here talking with your friends is not being social!"
"No homework, except if you haven't read the chapter, read it again."
"It's not sharp - except at the pointy part."
"One of the books has writing in them."
"Come on, you can do that with a piece of scissors!"
Talking about forcing women into their place: "And you fit into that or else you go somewhere else."
"I know someone named KK too, but she's a he."
"Oh, it's a young goat. That makes sense, cause it's a young goat."
About Games Domain's multiplayer game arena not working: "It did work for a period there, between not working and working."
"I'm going to make a bottomless pit of hell with spikes at the bottom."
"What would I do - sit there, bleed to death and die?"
"It gets, like, negative 0 degrees out there."
After casting a flaming sphere spell in AD&D: "The mule runs away from the flaming ball of sphere."
Recurring problems: "None of them attack Michael, because his head is surrounded by a flaming ball of sphere."
"Dude, assassins are cool, except for the fact that they're assassins."
"Ready, set, I'm not ready."
"Kenny, put that knife down or I'll kill you with it."
"She got it from Norwegia."
"It's kind of scary having a little brother growing up into a little boy."
A reason to stay behind at the town: "If you were in a battle and you almost got died."
When someone dropped a desk-leg on her foot: "You dropped a toe on my desk!"
Weekend plans: "I get to write an English reporter this weekend."
About Harrison Ford: "Do you think he's a hot sexy momma... um, poppa."
"Can I borrow your study hall for a hacky-sack?"
About unicorns: "I'm sure there have been animals in the same family as a horse, but with one tail, at some time or another."
To a question, "is this on?": "Yeah, but it's not plugged in."
"Do either of you three have 60 cents?"
"Scientists could see thousands of micro-orgasms teeming in a drop of water."
"Wait, he's his father, but wasn't he him too? I confused!"
"Dude, stop being mean. It's not nice."
"I've never had a class for a while now."
"I'd like to introduce ourselves."
About the word 'randy:' "I didn't know it meant that. I thought it just meant randy."
"It's just as bad as that birth control pill, only worse."
About a doll: "She's my favorite, so I always take her wherever I go, usually."
"Adam would go last even if he wasn't going last."
About allergies: "Let's go to my house. Your house gives me cats."
"I have no air-attacking units. Air attacking units, being units that can attack the air."
"I'm gonna go sit over there and lay down."
"This question is simple and devious in its design, yet has some hidden parts."
"Dude, you broke, like, three of my ribcages."
A father's rule: "You can't date until you're married."
"He doesn't even play piano, and he plays piano."
"...and you purposely drop it on his foot, by accident."
"He's the greatest dancer of all time, that isn't dead."
"My cat eats any kind of dairy product, especially peanut butter."
"I wasn't even calling you mean! I was just telling you, 'you are mean!'"
"Let's go explore a different element, like grass or something!"
Being told that two bodies rubbing together causes friction, not body heat: "Actually, it causes body heat when it's bodies that are frictioning."
"It all depends on whether the corpse is dead."
"You're from German? Tight!"
"Fine then. I'll just take your computer out of your laptop..."
"The gypsy song is hard to memorize, because it's in Gypsyish."
A teacher's guess of what the Iraq weapons inspectors might be told: "You're probably going into one of the most volatile situations in modern historical time."
Attempting to describe the location of a cave: "It's on the border between California and Georgia."
"Someone is killed, and immediately, there's an act of revengence."
"I feel like a mice."
"Someone's head is going to roll! And you're going to pick it up if it's yours!"
"Thank you for helping me in my crucification."
"You matter greatly, but not in an important way."
Asking the nurse when the doctor will show up: "Probably in about 20 minutes, but you should ask him when he comes in."
During an opponent's move in a board game: "That's bad. I mean, that's not bad but that's bad."
"Did you know in 1880 the school week was 80 days long?" - He did quickly say that he meant year, not week, though.
"She was just a six-month-year-old puppy."
"I'm way too cold to be living in this kind of an atmosphere."
"I like 'Z's. They're the bane of my existence."
Defining a contratenor: "A guy who can sing like a man."
"Try to do it without bouncing your head, in pairs of one."
"It doesn't mean, like, producting children."
"They train this guy in everything, from explosives to blowing stuff up and stuff..."
"Chant originated in the Catholic Church, thousands and thousands of years ago."
When this statement was questioned: "Two thousand, that's one thousands and then another thousands."
About February: "It's closer to a lunar month than all the other months combined."
To the question, what's 560: "The number of planets on earth."
Describing how a fishing lure works: "If you have a sparkling green glowing thing moving around, you want to eat it, just like normal people."
"If the macs don't work, then we'll have a short essay, like, you know, fill in the blanks..."
"It's magical paper. It doesn't have to burn the paper."
"I do 5 damage per level of damage."
"Michael could either hold on or let go."
About a program which would compare the strings "Billy" and "Jose": "It compares the 'B' to the 'H'..."
"Dang. My team's a retard!"
About a prop: "I can't remember what kind of crutch I had. Oh yeah, I had a crutch."
"My name starts with a book."
Attempting to explain that something unexpected happened: "They thought they would go along with business as usual, and nothing would happen. But it did."
"It's based on truth that may be lies..."
"That's not touching, it's poking."
"It's not real. I mean, it is, but not really."
"Which letter of the alphabet is 10?"
"What letter of the alphabet is 'j'?"
"Let me guess. All the ones that are taken are being used."
"Dictatorships, you know, if you're not doing what you're doing, you get whacked."
"Mussolini was sort of an idiot. To put it politely."
"You know, Ben, that's very funny, but it's not really very funny."
About being completely exhausted: "I was, like, so dead. I was like a living zombie, except not quite living."
"We're in 6/8 time. That means the quarter note gets the beat."
"Once you chart it out, you see why most of the world is screwed, and the rest of the world is waiting to be screwed. It's kind of cool."
"Sometimes, zero equals zero."
"No, we're gonna read the movie."
"By the time you do a couple of these, you'll find your thesis'll either change or it'll stay the same."
"Don't you wish rooks and castles could function as the same thing sometimes?"
"Let's head in the direction of Safeway, and if we come to a restaurant before we get there, we'll eat it."
"They were the two best classes I'd ever taken. Especially the first one."
"I'm going to do the same thing to you in your yearbook next year, except it's going to be something different."
"The thing I like about Meerca chase: as many points as you get, you get that many points."
"Do you know how you can tell that she's a boy?"
"Just like you might be writing it when you write in connected speech."
"My sister thinks I'm vain just because I sit and look at myself at the mirror a lot."
"All three-year-olds are immature, no matter how old they are."
"I don't want to be smart. Smart's stupid."
In a card game in which you try to collect all of a suit, describing his bad luck, "I'll have all of a [suit with] 9, and then someone'll discard the last to the middle."
"It's fun and easy. Well, it's easy. Well, maybe not."
"You're gonna have to go suck her dick."
"You're fucking a moron!"
"Stupid tie going to the defender... tie should go to the winner."
"There'll be a few questions on that one... you know, more than one, less than a few..."
"Ahhhg, you mess with me, you mess with... me!"
"They're not frozen on. They're just frozen... and stuck to it."
About an open-ended question: "There are obviously no right answers to this question."
"There's a difference between dead and undead. The one's the other; the other is not necessarily the other."
"Technically, if you started early and had kids when you were 20, you could be a great-grandmother by 8."
"I miss the guy who spoke like a... person. ... I meant game show host!"
"Yeah, that's why it's an average, instead of a mean."
"You almost got myself killed."
"Ooh! I want to be a baby when I grow up!"
"So a monkey is a primate with a table?"
"Moses and other bryophytes grow in cool, dark areas."
"Strawberries! Fresh off the grill! I mean, off the plant!"
"I found something to do: touching Kenny till he hits me! ... I better stop before he hits me."
"I'm getting fat! I've lost 15 pounds!"
"Bid one! One is divisible by 20!"
"Ew, Nikita! There's a dead fly near my bed, will you kill it?"
"He's gonna be doing a summer abroad this spring."
"And sometimes people don't speak well English.
About Apollo: "He brings arrows with his death."
Deciding whether a set of functions should return a new line at the end: "Probably not. And if they should, they probably shouldn't."
"I'm not saying you're not right, I'm just saying you're wrong."
"Cesar Chaves! He was awesome! ... Who was he?"
"Says every linguist who has a good brain on their shoulders!"
"Is it just me, or am I cold?"
"It's some kind of Slavelvanian thing."
""Don't throw glass houses when you live in a rock."
"That comes out in Septober!"
"2x-x. Hmm... can't simplify it."
"That was a 9 plus 3... uhh, 11."
"Europe is part of France."
"Adam has a rash he needs to put on his hands."
"I woke up at four in the afternoon this morning."
"Maybe he fell asleep while he was sleeping."
"Yeah... put your money in your mouth, or something like that."
"Have you ever seen Cobol? It will cheer you up... because it will make you sad."
"I don't like anti-semeticism."
"It'll be faster, when we speed it up."

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